Thursday, April 26, 2007

Runway Report: I Was 100% Right. I Rock

well, well, well. i was right. allow me to explain. above, please see the chloe high waisted jean. just one of many mom butt pant styles shown on the runway in the last 2 years. yes, while the rest of you were yanking at your belt loops to keep your ass from spilling out on to your chair, i was hiking mine up to my nipples.

if you happen to catch my post "i wear mom butt jeans and you can kiss my ass," then you know how i feel about the high waist. i don't care what you say-- it's flattering. it's feminine. finally, it's just a teensy bit weird, which as far as i'm concerned, makes it cool.
let's start here, shall we?

yes, the original charlie's angels-- perhaps some of the sexiest power women in history. and look at those waist lines!

now as i mentioned, i wear mom butt jeans and you can kiss my ass. grey krakjcki introduced a pair of lovely mom butt-ers a couple of years ago and while it took me a season or two to catch on, i did discover them (like every other great jean) like, two years before you did. and now, surprise, surprise, the high waist is all over the runways like celebrities on horse tranquilizers.

here's another pair i've been obsessed with for some time. i WILL own these jeans, even if it means i don't eat tomorrow. oh, who are we kidding... it's not like 'm gonna eat tomorrow anyway.

so there you have it. if you're already convinced and seeking a reasonably priced option, other premium denim designers are beginning to catch on. this is gold sign's version:

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Gisele Bündchen: Also Copying Me

i have wanted these jeans last year when i saw them on (which has great sales, and awesome designers the sheep haven't found yet, and, best of all, are based in chicago which is the greatest city on earth. you should keep an eye on, oh loyal readers. or reader. or 2 friends of mine who drop in occasionally just so i don't feel like a dumbass).

they satisfy all of my requirements for good denim:

1. they wide waist band is slightly higher in rise and will not expose my pubic bone (have we discussed this? i am so over low rise

2. they have large back pockets to minimize my inordinately large ass.

3. they are relatively unknown, which means the sheep haven't caught on yet.

and 4. they run exceptionally long.

anyway, as for the style, yes, they are skinny. but they're not tapered. see? there's a difference. for example, in the picture below of, um, gisele, as in *the* gisele bündchen, karolina kurkova and adriana lima, you will note that one supermodel looks slight less fabulous than the other supermodels. why, you ask? well that's a very good question. you see-- even supermodels can't pull off skinny jeans. ok, ok, yes they pretty much always look freakishly attractive, but on a relative basis, skinny jeans make karolina kurkova look like a carrot. with two carrot legs. it's sad. tragic. god damned skinny jeans.

anyway, my point is not that skinny jeans are the worst social phenomenon since the young republicans. my point is that saddlelite jeans rock the casbah. they capture the narrow, straight legged, dark toned goodness of what the skinny jeans are TRYING to mimic. and they do it while maintaining a flattering silhouette.

now i just want you all to know that these jeans were my idea. while i don't mind sharing them with gisele (who, unlike jessica simpson, does not resemble a badly dressed sorority girl from 1999), i do deem it necessary to announce that i am, in fact, the original lover of these jeans.

ok, the picture is below. shopjake carries them, and if you want to meander through a truly useless and overly-alternative fashion website, you can visit

see. look. carrot legs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Dear Jessica Simpson: Stop Copying Me.

ok, let's review the rules of being petite and, um, shapely.
1. show your waist. if you don't, we can't be sure you have one.

well i guess that's only one rule. but i'm sure there are tons of others with which i am unfamiliar because i am nine feet tall.

regardless, i'm pissed off because i've wanted this dress FOREVER and that little twit not only stole my idea, but went out in PUBLIC to show everyone, who then also fell in love with my dress, and now the masses have caught on and are out there, seeking MY dress.

and ps what is jessica doing in designer fashion, anyway. should she be traipsing the streets in pink terry cloth or wooden platform slides from a little place i like to call 1997? chloe would be horrified if she knew her work had been defamed in this way.

anyway, if you're wondering what the dress is *supposed* to look like, here:

[pause to briefly appreciate the dress in its unadultered form]

ok, that's all. if you see jessica, tell her to stop copying me. bitch.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Zac Posen Recruits Refugees to Model His Spring Line

Skinny Jeans: Please. Make It Stop

ok now i don't want to be nasty, but can we please all agree that the reappearance of skinny jeans are perhaps the most tragic event of 2006? please? PLEASE.

for your own good, i would like to discuss the basics of flattering clothing. let's start with your hips.

hips: womanly, sexy, curvy, and rah rah. sexy.
hips accentuated by too-tight denim with a low rise revealing your ass crack: not sexy.
legs: sexy
legs poured into black faded denim which is so tapered that you lose feeling in your ankles after 15 minutes: not sexy.
hourglass silhouette: sexy
triangle silhouette (yes, darling, your hips are the base): not sexy.

ok, ok, if that doesn't do it for you, let's use some photos: