J BRAND: I don't hate you. I guess.

i'm not sure why i don't love these jeans. the cut, style, color and fit all perfectly embody my requirements for good denim. medium rise, flared leg, extra long, 100% cotton and free of the TRAGIC TRAGIC adolescent 'creasing' which is so tragically common these days.

they are everything i wanted in good denim, yet, i feel like singing that mildly cheesy but super fun song by the silversun pickups. "it's not quite right..." yes, i've been waiting for this moment... all... my.... life. but it's not quite right.

i think perhaps these j brand jeans are a good opportunity to explain the difference between *contemporary* denim and *designer* denim. i realize that the masses, the jessica simpson sheep of the world, cling to contemporary denim like fox news clings to reverend wright (seriously, i don't even like barak obama, but can we please STOP TALKING ABOUT SOME RANDOM SLIGHTLY ECCENTRIC DUDE WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING WHATSOEVER ON ANYTHING RELEVANT)

however, we are not fox news, and we thus have the responsibility to 1. consider unbiased facts, or 2. at least admit that we're biased. fair and balanced my ass.

for the purposes of this discussion, we're going to take the standpoint of 1., above. i know it's hard, but let's pretend jessica simpson doesn't exist for a few minutes.

contemporary denim hallmarks = obnoxious logo, trademark back pocket stitching, obnoxious colored stitching, weirdly placed side seams, loud and overbearing belt loops
designer denim hallmarks = beautiful, indisputably flattering, indescribably unfathomably tons and tons more superlatively awesome fit.

contemporary denim hallmarks = likelihood of feeling cool feel for 5 minutes before ass crack gets photographed by glamour magazine's 'don'ts.'
designer denim hallmarks = likelihood of inducing spontaneous multiple orgasms by both wearer and observers.

GIFT SUGGESTION FOR YOUR TEENAGE NIECE: HUDSON SUPERMODEL JEANS

ohhhh hudson. i'm so disappointed in you. if i wanted an overly distressed waistband reminiscent of that heinous abercrombie and fitch 'destroyed' look, then i go to, well, abercrombie and fitch [shudder]. if i wanted a rise low enough to expose the top of my pubic bone, i'd buy some true religion. and if i wanted cheesy pocket details and generally adolescent-style denim decor, i'd go to DEB. yes, you know what DEB is. it's that traj store in every generic suburban american mall ever-- you know, the one with big electric pink lettered sign and racks of jessica-simpson-inspired rayon.

in fact, these jeans look just like the ones i saw on some tragic DEB-clad teenager last week. but for the length, they would be exactly the same.

now i know i'm not being entirely fair, the fabric is perfect-- durable enough to withstand both time and wear. the shape would be nice and generally flattering to all body types-- if the rise didn't allow my butt crack to peek out every time i think about sitting down. the color is a kind, classic, warm denim which is versatile.

but the details, hudson. the details. they're tragic. traj. tragic and traj. the belt loops, the pockets, the strategically placed 'distressing.' here's the thing about denim, hudson, the whole *point* is that the wearer does the distressing. not the designer. the wearer.

i'm going to bitch about this more later. in the meantime:

hudson supermodel jean: perfect gift for your teenage niece.

ljb