Monday, May 14, 2007

Dear Jessica Simpson: I'm Flattered But Really, Stop Copying Me

dear jessica simpson,

we've discussed this before. last time i kindly asked you to please stop hiding in my closet, or hacking into my computer and checking my 'wish list' bookmarks. this time, it appears evident to me that i'm going to need to be a little more assertive about this. i'm sorry. i don't want to be nasty, but it needs to be said:

you're a short round dwarf and you simply cannot pull off the sort of clothing i wear. sure you look cute when painted up in chanel, airbrushed beyond recognition, and hoisted up to 5'2 and a half in those hooker shoes. but the reality is, the clothing i wear is *made* for people who have, in fact, hit puberty.

take for example this tragic photo of you, waddling through the streets of LA:

do you think we haven't noticed the fact that you've hemmed those jeans? of course we have! it looks ridiculous. grey ant jeans come with a 37" inseam, which is roughly the height of your entire body! moreover, the leg is carefully shaped to create a long, lean pant leg. nothing about you is long and lean, my friend. clearly, these jeans weren't made for you. YOU'RE RUINING THE BEAUTY OF THE LINE.

you want to know what they're *supposed* to look like? here:
but you already know what they're supposed to look like, because you saw me wearing them, like, TWO YEARS BEFORE YOU, and then you copied me.

the chloe dress was my pet and you stole it before. however, it was just a dress. but my high waisted jeans!? they're my pride and joy. and now you're stolen them, too.

this is going to get ugly if you don't get a hold of yourself.

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