Wanted: Personality

Loanna Beek
Parent's Address
Phone with my san francisco area code
which is ridiculous considering that i
moved to mpls four years ago.

EDUCATION

• University of Useless 120K Law Degree
• University of College Education Too Fun To Remember Completely

OBJECTIVE

• a challenging position in blah, which contributes to the blah, exercises my skills in blah, and allows me an opportunity to blah.

EXPERIENCE

• Divorce Law Clerk depressed the hell out of me 2005
• Job in San Francisco which I never should have left even though my bosses were verbally abusive and once called me a "stupid secretary." २००२
• Runway Model back in the skinny speedy days २००१
• Waitress back in the drunken D cup days २०००
• Internship my mother forced me to get १९९९
• Another Internship my mother forced me to get १९९७-१९९८

References Available Upon Request

so this is my resume. can i tell the truth? i'm secretly holding out for an opportunity in the personality business. i mean, let's be honest here: i'm extremely cute, tall, fun, interesting, and i sort of sound like i know what i'm talking about. sometimes. and when i don't, i'm charming enough to weasel my way out of any substantive conversation. plus, as we've discussed, i dress fucking well. not just well, fucking well. oh, and i have super cute handwriting.

now if that self-description doesn't say "personality," then what does?! huh!?

i could be like paris hilton. except not in jail. and much better dressed. or, no. not paris hilton. i could be like caroline besset kennedy. except not dead. or... what's the name of that princess of monaco? yes. this is exactly what i need. i'm just too bitchy to marry rich and actual gainful employment is just to mundane for my sort of existence. so, either princess or personality it is. ok, yeah, i hate princesses, too. let's go with personality.

good talk.

i appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have with regard to my employment search, as i know you are one of the most respected professionals in this field. i will send a hard copy of this letter to your office today, and i will call next week to follow up.

thank you for your consideration.

respectfully,
loanna beek