Wanted: Personality

Loanna Beek
Parent's Address
Phone with my san francisco area code
which is ridiculous considering that i
moved to mpls four years ago.

EDUCATION

• University of Useless 120K Law Degree
• University of College Education Too Fun To Remember Completely

OBJECTIVE

• a challenging position in blah, which contributes to the blah, exercises my skills in blah, and allows me an opportunity to blah.

EXPERIENCE

• Divorce Law Clerk depressed the hell out of me 2005
• Job in San Francisco which I never should have left even though my bosses were verbally abusive and once called me a "stupid secretary." २००२
• Runway Model back in the skinny speedy days २००१
• Waitress back in the drunken D cup days २०००
• Internship my mother forced me to get १९९९
• Another Internship my mother forced me to get १९९७-१९९८

References Available Upon Request

so this is my resume. can i tell the truth? i'm secretly holding out for an opportunity in the personality business. i mean, let's be honest here: i'm extremely cute, tall, fun, interesting, and i sort of sound like i know what i'm talking about. sometimes. and when i don't, i'm charming enough to weasel my way out of any substantive conversation. plus, as we've discussed, i dress fucking well. not just well, fucking well. oh, and i have super cute handwriting.

now if that self-description doesn't say "personality," then what does?! huh!?

i could be like paris hilton. except not in jail. and much better dressed. or, no. not paris hilton. i could be like caroline besset kennedy. except not dead. or... what's the name of that princess of monaco? yes. this is exactly what i need. i'm just too bitchy to marry rich and actual gainful employment is just to mundane for my sort of existence. so, either princess or personality it is. ok, yeah, i hate princesses, too. let's go with personality.

good talk.

i appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have with regard to my employment search, as i know you are one of the most respected professionals in this field. i will send a hard copy of this letter to your office today, and i will call next week to follow up.

thank you for your consideration.

respectfully,
loanna beek

the dude who wants and will get you to like him

i'm supposed to be sleeping. or writing. or... well, writing. a paper.

however, i was just struck with a revelation which i may be able to articulate i less than 10 minutes/3 paragraphs, whichever is shorter. since it usually takes me about 9 years to write, reviews, and obsessively reread a posting, i feel this easily-written revelation demands some face time. right now.

shit. i'm already at 3 paragraphs.

anyway, so i was recently discussing with a close friend the phenomenon of The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him. the gyst: she has a crush on a dude at work. he is taken. my first suspicion? he is That Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him.

oh you know who I'm talking about. That Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him has met all of you-- every single last one. Whether you're dating him, or just eye fucking him from across your office, or even letting him trace his arm against yours when you pass in a hallway, every girl has met The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him.

Additional observations: The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him satisfies his innate manly seek and destroy drive by making chicks who are not his girlfriend like him, only to then act completely innocent and slightly stupid when said chicks respond to the Want And Will Get You To Like Him Initiative.

The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him talks about his girlfriend all of the time. he'll do it even as he's gazing into your eyes after picking up your lunch tab in a small group of coworkers. he'll do it 30 seconds after complimenting some random, indistinct detail of your appearance and/or apparel. hell, he'll even outright compare you to her. whatever the time or place, The the Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him talks about his girlfriend all of the time. he does this for two reasons: 1. he doesn't trust himself and figures that by letting the entire world know he has a girlfriend, the entire world will somehow prevent him from cheating, 2. he wants to make himself seem more attractive/unattainable. ie he wants to fuck with you.

this dude rarely if ever actually technically strays from the mother ship, but he spends a lot of time making sure all of the other ships want and covet him. it's a validation thing for him. well, and not just that. it's also a game for him. it keeps him busy, sharpens his unneeded skills when he's feeling bored or dissatisfied with the wife at home.

ok i'm out of time. the moral of the story is this: The the Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him is an incredible prick. i've dated him and i've coveted him, and in both sets of shoes, i've always hated him.