Dear Illinois Bar Association: Please for the love of Christ let me pass

Well it's that time again. My sources tell me I've about 16 days (16 days, 15 hours, 57 minutes) until the Illinois Bar Association will quietly post the bar results on their website. I shouldn't be telling you this. It's a secret. I'm not sure why it's a secret, perhaps because if too many people click on the link at a certain time (date, hour, minute), then the site will crash and we'll all fail.

Superstition is a dangerous thing. I wore yellow plastic beads for 94 hours straight-- I would know.

Anyway, as I was rambling: last night I had the reoccurring my-god-i-can't-sleep-what-if-i-fail episode. I write 'episode' because it wasn't a dream, but not quite consciousness either. Somewhere in between, I guess, where my subconscious is arguing with my emotional health. Who the fuck cares what it was-- it sucked. And it was weirdly familiar. The last 3 weeks of the month of July were riddled with these episodes, and so now I am left to wonder if they'll continue until Ibaby drops the bomb.

I have my excuses... and they're pretty good. My entire family (I'm Catholic, there's a lot of us) invaded my study site in the first week of July while my mother underwent spinal fusion surgery. Yeah, that was pretty distracting. Oh-- and at 2 weeks prior my study partner became a paranoid manic who moved in and out with me twice before accusing me of sleeping with her exboyfriend-- not to mention the countless hours of property MBE question practice I lost while playing psycho-therapist.

And... well I'm sure I have another excuse. I'll think of it and get back to you. Right now, however, I'm going to hope that I won't need to cite any further excuses because I'll have passed.

Please for the love of Christ let me pass...

Wanted: Personality

Loanna Beek
Parent's Address
Phone with my san francisco area code
which is ridiculous considering that i
moved to mpls four years ago.

EDUCATION

• University of Useless 120K Law Degree
• University of College Education Too Fun To Remember Completely

OBJECTIVE

• a challenging position in blah, which contributes to the blah, exercises my skills in blah, and allows me an opportunity to blah.

EXPERIENCE

• Divorce Law Clerk depressed the hell out of me 2005
• Job in San Francisco which I never should have left even though my bosses were verbally abusive and once called me a "stupid secretary." २००२
• Runway Model back in the skinny speedy days २००१
• Waitress back in the drunken D cup days २०००
• Internship my mother forced me to get १९९९
• Another Internship my mother forced me to get १९९७-१९९८

References Available Upon Request

so this is my resume. can i tell the truth? i'm secretly holding out for an opportunity in the personality business. i mean, let's be honest here: i'm extremely cute, tall, fun, interesting, and i sort of sound like i know what i'm talking about. sometimes. and when i don't, i'm charming enough to weasel my way out of any substantive conversation. plus, as we've discussed, i dress fucking well. not just well, fucking well. oh, and i have super cute handwriting.

now if that self-description doesn't say "personality," then what does?! huh!?

i could be like paris hilton. except not in jail. and much better dressed. or, no. not paris hilton. i could be like caroline besset kennedy. except not dead. or... what's the name of that princess of monaco? yes. this is exactly what i need. i'm just too bitchy to marry rich and actual gainful employment is just to mundane for my sort of existence. so, either princess or personality it is. ok, yeah, i hate princesses, too. let's go with personality.

good talk.

i appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have with regard to my employment search, as i know you are one of the most respected professionals in this field. i will send a hard copy of this letter to your office today, and i will call next week to follow up.

thank you for your consideration.

respectfully,
loanna beek