Monday, May 19, 2008

J BRAND: I don't hate you. I guess.

i'm not sure why i don't love these jeans. the cut, style, color and fit all perfectly embody my requirements for good denim. medium rise, flared leg, extra long, 100% cotton and free of the TRAGIC TRAGIC adolescent 'creasing' which is so tragically common these days.

they are everything i wanted in good denim, yet, i feel like singing that mildly cheesy but super fun song by the silversun pickups. "it's not quite right..." yes, i've been waiting for this moment... all... my.... life. but it's not quite right.

i think perhaps these j brand jeans are a good opportunity to explain the difference between *contemporary* denim and *designer* denim. i realize that the masses, the jessica simpson sheep of the world, cling to contemporary denim like fox news clings to reverend wright (seriously, i don't even like barak obama, but can we please STOP TALKING ABOUT SOME RANDOM SLIGHTLY ECCENTRIC DUDE WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING WHATSOEVER ON ANYTHING RELEVANT)

however, we are not fox news, and we thus have the responsibility to 1. consider unbiased facts, or 2. at least admit that we're biased. fair and balanced my ass.

for the purposes of this discussion, we're going to take the standpoint of 1., above. i know it's hard, but let's pretend jessica simpson doesn't exist for a few minutes.

contemporary denim hallmarks = obnoxious logo, trademark back pocket stitching, obnoxious colored stitching, weirdly placed side seams, loud and overbearing belt loops
designer denim hallmarks = beautiful, indisputably flattering, indescribably unfathomably tons and tons more superlatively awesome fit.

contemporary denim hallmarks = likelihood of feeling cool feel for 5 minutes before ass crack gets photographed by glamour magazine's 'don'ts.'
designer denim hallmarks = likelihood of inducing spontaneous multiple orgasms by both wearer and observers.