ARE YOU KIDDING ME, NEIMAN MARCUS?!

as many of you know, i have my gripes with the luxury retailers. for one thing, their customer service is cryable*. for another, they don't give shit for information on their products(saks), their pictures are limited and rarely provide enough detail, and in some cases, they don't even give shoppers the measurements of the freaking products they're selling. and don't even get me started on the fact that barneys can't hire itself some god damned models! what in the hell are those blue things with cone-shaped heads?!

let's start at the beginning, shall we?

here are some nine hundred dollar suede boots from christian dior:



beautiful, aren't they? yes, worth approximately the value of my car, these boots are suede, and, embroidered, and have... a sole. and are... sort of tall. wait. come to think of it, i don't even know how tall they are. i mean, are they nine hundred collar calf boots or nine hundred dollar knee high boots. and what do they look like from the back? and it says they're slouched, but can they be unslouched? and could i maybe see a picture of the 'c' and 'd' accents on the 'quarter' (um, what the hell is a 'quarter,' anyway)? neiman, are you seriously telling me that you expect me to spend 2 months rent on one freaking pair of boots of which i have seen one measly picture?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, NEIMAN!?

alright. i'll stop now as i have in fact blogged about this before. however, i'll leave you with this parting image.

Skinny Jeans: The Time Has Come

well the time has come. as i have stated in the past, i really, really, dislike and have an irrational, almost emotional dislike for the phenomenon of skinny jeans (see skinny jeans, make it stop, supra).

however, the boots i'm eying creep halfway up, yes, even my giraffe legs, and i need some sleek, understated, medium rise jeans with a hint of lycra (or poly, i suppose) and (here's the kicker) a skinny leg. i have no intentions of wearing these wretched jeans with anything other than my knee high boots, so i want the narrowest leg humanly possible as i do not want to have to pinch roll the legs to make them fit into my boots.

i think. actually, i don't know what i want. you know what i want, because you have not shunned the skinny jeans and probably even own a pair or two. so guide me. color, size, style, rise, and so on. the only skinny jeans i ever loved were these:

they're by acne action, and available only in sweden and at barneys new york. here's the link.

the thing is, i suspect i only love them because the model makes them look cool. i think they only run 34 inches in inseam which is just traj.*

and anyway, i don't own shoes as shown in the picture above because (as much as i love them), i am roughly nine feet tall and wearing those shoes would make me an amazon. i just need the jeans to tuck into boots. this will be their sole purpose.

i realize this is a painfully ridiculous question, but i don't suppose they make stirrup jeans? what?! don't give me that look. stirrup jeans would be more functional for the boots, no?

ok, i'm done here. someone suggest something. i'll buy them. i swear.

*traj: my best friend abbreviates the word "tragic," with simply "traj." i love it. feel free to use it in a sentence today.

Wanted: Personality

Loanna Beek
Parent's Address
Phone with my san francisco area code
which is ridiculous considering that i
moved to mpls four years ago.

EDUCATION

• University of Useless 120K Law Degree
• University of College Education Too Fun To Remember Completely

OBJECTIVE

• a challenging position in blah, which contributes to the blah, exercises my skills in blah, and allows me an opportunity to blah.

EXPERIENCE

• Divorce Law Clerk depressed the hell out of me 2005
• Job in San Francisco which I never should have left even though my bosses were verbally abusive and once called me a "stupid secretary." २००२
• Runway Model back in the skinny speedy days २००१
• Waitress back in the drunken D cup days २०००
• Internship my mother forced me to get १९९९
• Another Internship my mother forced me to get १९९७-१९९८

References Available Upon Request

so this is my resume. can i tell the truth? i'm secretly holding out for an opportunity in the personality business. i mean, let's be honest here: i'm extremely cute, tall, fun, interesting, and i sort of sound like i know what i'm talking about. sometimes. and when i don't, i'm charming enough to weasel my way out of any substantive conversation. plus, as we've discussed, i dress fucking well. not just well, fucking well. oh, and i have super cute handwriting.

now if that self-description doesn't say "personality," then what does?! huh!?

i could be like paris hilton. except not in jail. and much better dressed. or, no. not paris hilton. i could be like caroline besset kennedy. except not dead. or... what's the name of that princess of monaco? yes. this is exactly what i need. i'm just too bitchy to marry rich and actual gainful employment is just to mundane for my sort of existence. so, either princess or personality it is. ok, yeah, i hate princesses, too. let's go with personality.

good talk.

i appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have with regard to my employment search, as i know you are one of the most respected professionals in this field. i will send a hard copy of this letter to your office today, and i will call next week to follow up.

thank you for your consideration.

respectfully,
loanna beek

guide to breaking up

The Loanna Beek Guide To Breaking Up

so i wrote this last year. and the friend to whom i sent it has encouraged me to share. oh what the hell. i think it's funny. read on.

dear friend,

alright now listen to me. there are a few different ways to deal with problems in life and love and i happen to be an expert at a few of them.

1. cheat: as we know, this is only a temporary fix, except when used as a serious weapon. see below.

2. run away: the problem with this one is that it involves some level of planning which may not be particular talent of yours. however, i am even worse at planning than you are, and i have pulled of the cross country relocation with a little recipe: 2 cups emotional avoidance, 1 stick of denial, and just a dash or two of complete disregard for logic and/or consequence. (see minnesota, 2003). relocation is nice because despite what they say, your problems don't really follow you! you merely develop a whole new set of problems which are, albeit, partially a result of running away from your old ones. but they're NEW problems, aren't they? maybe you can deal with them better than the old ones? who knows?!

3. start dating someone else. the destructive/unhealthy relationship swap:
in many cases, the reason you are leaving a man is because he is, as martha wainwright would say, a bloody motherfucking asshole. he has used and abused you. he has lied to you. he has degraded you. and now as you attempt to seize those last shreds of self-respect, what does he do? he fucking clings to you. so there's no way out. even if you had the balls to leave (which you usually do not), he will muster the charm of a thousand, um, men who charm, such that you hardly recognize him, let alone yourself. and then what? he reminds you of your faults. he conjures exaggerated memories of your poor behavior, and he will generally convince you that, well, he's not so bad after all. it's a vicious fucking cycle and in my experience, girl, it only ends when he gets tired of you, reduces you to nothingness, and dumps you for long enough that meet some other bloody motherfucking asshole before he comes back. because, dude, he always comes back. (see, [name omitted, name omitted, almost every man I have ever dated, 1997-2006).

so i say, why wait? why prolong the inevitable? he's an asshole. he does not deserve any respect for his feelings and, as we discussed, it's not like you could break up with him even if you wanted to. at least not until you've moved on. so find another! do so now, and later you will have the confidence to leave the BMA** because you have another new and improved version sitting at home. start going to DNC events.** sleep with random coworkers. tell your friends that you are on the market. remember: distraction avoidance denial. repeat after me: distraction avoidance denial. distraction avoidance denial. c'mon. you can do it: distraction avoidance denial.

**BMA: short for bloodymotherfuckingasshole. pissed off? go listen to that song. it'll make your day.
**if you don't know what the DNC is then we've got some work to do, my friend. start by going here.

the dude who wants and will get you to like him

i'm supposed to be sleeping. or writing. or... well, writing. a paper.

however, i was just struck with a revelation which i may be able to articulate i less than 10 minutes/3 paragraphs, whichever is shorter. since it usually takes me about 9 years to write, reviews, and obsessively reread a posting, i feel this easily-written revelation demands some face time. right now.

shit. i'm already at 3 paragraphs.

anyway, so i was recently discussing with a close friend the phenomenon of The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him. the gyst: she has a crush on a dude at work. he is taken. my first suspicion? he is That Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him.

oh you know who I'm talking about. That Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him has met all of you-- every single last one. Whether you're dating him, or just eye fucking him from across your office, or even letting him trace his arm against yours when you pass in a hallway, every girl has met The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him.

Additional observations: The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him satisfies his innate manly seek and destroy drive by making chicks who are not his girlfriend like him, only to then act completely innocent and slightly stupid when said chicks respond to the Want And Will Get You To Like Him Initiative.

The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him talks about his girlfriend all of the time. he'll do it even as he's gazing into your eyes after picking up your lunch tab in a small group of coworkers. he'll do it 30 seconds after complimenting some random, indistinct detail of your appearance and/or apparel. hell, he'll even outright compare you to her. whatever the time or place, The the Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him talks about his girlfriend all of the time. he does this for two reasons: 1. he doesn't trust himself and figures that by letting the entire world know he has a girlfriend, the entire world will somehow prevent him from cheating, 2. he wants to make himself seem more attractive/unattainable. ie he wants to fuck with you.

this dude rarely if ever actually technically strays from the mother ship, but he spends a lot of time making sure all of the other ships want and covet him. it's a validation thing for him. well, and not just that. it's also a game for him. it keeps him busy, sharpens his unneeded skills when he's feeling bored or dissatisfied with the wife at home.

ok i'm out of time. the moral of the story is this: The the Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him is an incredible prick. i've dated him and i've coveted him, and in both sets of shoes, i've always hated him.