Thursday, December 6, 2007



i've been meaning to write this forever. i don't fancy myself knowledgeable in many areas, but i have lived in four major cities, been at the top and the bottom of the price chain, and am generally a picky, demanding, and extremely selective consumer. when it comes to my hair, my jeans, my suiting, and... oh fuck when it comes to just about anything pertaining to my appearance-- i settle for nothing but the best. and i do it on a budget.

so before i start, i would like to establish a couple of things.

1. i am too lazy and disorganized to get any sort of promotion or funding for this blog. thus, unlike allure magazine, or sephora, none of this info is influenced in any way by anything other than a girl's experience and opinion.

2. i hereby challenge other bloggers to publish their own 'lists.' as we all know, the greatest of cosmetic, skin care, and fashion advice is gained by word of mouth. so c'mon bloggers. join the fun.

3. this list is incomplete. again, unlike sephora or allure, i don't have promotional funding. plus, it's all opinion. so if i don't have a product i love in any given category, well, that category is blank. appreciate my candor.

4. let's be friends. no, seriously. even if you're not a blogger, and instead just a consumeraire, i would very much like to see your list, or even just a few of your favorites. and i'm happy to blog it for you as well. drop me a note @ loannabeek (at) gmail (dot) com

everyone loves to be comfortable. and everyone likes to think she's contributing for a prettier, sounder, cleaner earth. i'm sure i would have bought 4 pairs of these pants even if the company weren't the retailing equivalent of annie's organic foods, but i must say it's nice to feel like my superficial consumerist addiction is supporting a good cause. these patns are the best cause ever. they run in three lengths. they are some kind of fun stretchy material which is thick enough to hide cellulite and thin enough to be cool in the summer, warm in the winter. and the fit (pause for emphasis) is AMAZING. slightly wide leg with a bit of a flare, fitted waist, and, oh, i can hardly describe them. just go and try the fuckers on. you won't be disappointed. they are worth every damn penny you spend on them. i promise.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Dead Penis Skin Cells, The Moral Debate Thickens

it is less often i find an insatiable need to speak about politics at with the rigor i do fashion. actually, that's not true at all- it's instead rare that i find an insatiable need to write about politics with the rigor i do fashion. those who know and love me have at least once heard me ask a self-admitted 'pro-life' man if he's ever been pregnant. (no, the answer is usually no).

however, today i'm typing as violently about stem cell research as i have, in the past, high waisted jeans.

this morning, two well known scientists (Dr. Shinya Yamanaka of Kyoto University and James Thomson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison) brought to public attention their notable findings regarding the ability of human skin cells to act like embryonic cells-- that is, these human skin cells are presenting, or appear to be presenting, an ability to help other cells regenerate. both scientists have modestly acknowledged the relative immaturity of their work, and the numerous questions left unanswered. similarly, both men have admitted the use of viruses in making these skin cells do what embryonic stem cells do. which is dangerous, or something. you get the idea.

so they're being humble and with good reason. but it doesn't change the fact that this is sort of a big deal.

on my ride home from starbucks a few minutes ago (first trip to starbucks today, i swear to god), i listened to two dudes, whose names i don't recall, have it out. one was the president of something-pro-life-something-else, the other was super president of some kind of medical association for the advancement of research. it is worth noting, by the way, the the medical research guy was way classier and calmer than the pro-life guy. big shocker there.

anyway so medical research guy first points out something the media seems to be sort of glossing over-- these aren't just any human skin cells-- these are foreskin cells. newborn baby foreskin cells. medical research guy says he understands that millions of americans object to embryonic stem cell research, but, fairly, also notes that these same americans may object to the use of foreskin human skin cells. after all, just as embryonic stem cells necessitate the termination of an embryo, foreskin skin cells necessitate the termination of the foreskin.

yes, there are some of us who disagree with circumcision. and if you think it's all fine and dandy, you should consider that the american pediatric society no longer recommends it, and many medical authorities have acknowledged that it is a myth that circumcision is necessary for hygienic reasons. and in fact, the whole hygienic hoopla is basically bullshit. circumcision is a barbaric ancient tradition with a secular background which basically equates it with genital mutilation, and while we americans think it's 'normal,' only about 30% of men are, in fact, circumcised.

not so normal now, is it?

but i'll put my feelings on the foreskin aside for a second, which is NOT THAT HARD TO DO, OH EMBRYO-OBSESSING AMERICANS. JUST PUT IT ASIDE FOR A SEC.

so let's pretend (and this is quite an assumption), that these dead penis skin cells have all the potential that embryonic stem cells do. wow, that's super great, huh? amazing medical breakthrough. gonna save the world. holy cow. let's have a party. big deal, right?

wrong. i don't really see why this is exciting at all and frankly, i see it as yet another reason to suck funds from well-intended, progressing embryonic stem cell research to take the hit. the bottom line is that while these dead penis cells do apparently have potential, this research is light years behind that of embryonic cell research. i mean, are we going to abandon efforts on embryonic stem cells merely because someone else might have a super great idea about how to do THE SAME THING?!

as medical research guy said, quite plainly, and no this is not a direct quote, this research is not about finding ways to reach a solution. this research is about finding a solution for the millions of people who can benefit from it. and finding it fast.

if you're reading this before i've added citations, please accept this invitation to kiss my ass. it's all true. and if you're reading it after citations have been added, feel free to click on the little blue links which will take you to other sites which will show you were i got my info.

that's all for now.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


as many of you know, i have my gripes with the luxury retailers. for one thing, their customer service is cryable*. for another, they don't give shit for information on their products(saks), their pictures are limited and rarely provide enough detail, and in some cases, they don't even give shoppers the measurements of the freaking products they're selling. and don't even get me started on the fact that barneys can't hire itself some god damned models! what in the hell are those blue things with cone-shaped heads?!

let's start at the beginning, shall we?

here are some nine hundred dollar suede boots from christian dior:

beautiful, aren't they? yes, worth approximately the value of my car, these boots are suede, and, embroidered, and have... a sole. and are... sort of tall. wait. come to think of it, i don't even know how tall they are. i mean, are they nine hundred collar calf boots or nine hundred dollar knee high boots. and what do they look like from the back? and it says they're slouched, but can they be unslouched? and could i maybe see a picture of the 'c' and 'd' accents on the 'quarter' (um, what the hell is a 'quarter,' anyway)? neiman, are you seriously telling me that you expect me to spend 2 months rent on one freaking pair of boots of which i have seen one measly picture?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, NEIMAN!?

alright. i'll stop now as i have in fact blogged about this before. however, i'll leave you with this parting image.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Skinny Jeans: The Time Has Come

well the time has come. as i have stated in the past, i really, really, dislike and have an irrational, almost emotional dislike for the phenomenon of skinny jeans (see skinny jeans, make it stop, supra).

however, the boots i'm eying creep halfway up, yes, even my giraffe legs, and i need some sleek, understated, medium rise jeans with a hint of lycra (or poly, i suppose) and (here's the kicker) a skinny leg. i have no intentions of wearing these wretched jeans with anything other than my knee high boots, so i want the narrowest leg humanly possible as i do not want to have to pinch roll the legs to make them fit into my boots.

i think. actually, i don't know what i want. you know what i want, because you have not shunned the skinny jeans and probably even own a pair or two. so guide me. color, size, style, rise, and so on. the only skinny jeans i ever loved were these:

they're by acne action, and available only in sweden and at barneys new york. here's the link.

the thing is, i suspect i only love them because the model makes them look cool. i think they only run 34 inches in inseam which is just traj.*

and anyway, i don't own shoes as shown in the picture above because (as much as i love them), i am roughly nine feet tall and wearing those shoes would make me an amazon. i just need the jeans to tuck into boots. this will be their sole purpose.

i realize this is a painfully ridiculous question, but i don't suppose they make stirrup jeans? what?! don't give me that look. stirrup jeans would be more functional for the boots, no?

ok, i'm done here. someone suggest something. i'll buy them. i swear.

*traj: my best friend abbreviates the word "tragic," with simply "traj." i love it. feel free to use it in a sentence today.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Wanted: Personality

Loanna Beek
Parent's Address
Phone with my san francisco area code
which is ridiculous considering that i
moved to mpls four years ago.

  • University of Useless 120K Law Degree
  • University of College Education Too Fun To Remember Completely

  • a challenging position in blah, which contributes to the blah, exercises my skills in blah, and allows me an opportunity to blah.


  • Divorce Law Clerk depressed the hell out of me 2005
  • Job in San Francisco which I never should have left even though my bosses were verbally abusive and once called me a "stupid secretary." २००२
  • Runway Model back in the skinny speedy days २००१
  • Waitress back in the drunken D cup days २०००
  • Internship my mother forced me to get १९९९
  • Another Internship my mother forced me to get १९९७-१९९८

References Available Upon Request

so this is my resume. can i tell the truth? i'm secretly holding out for an opportunity in the personality business. i mean, let's be honest here: i'm extremely cute, tall, fun, interesting, and i sort of sound like i know what i'm talking about. sometimes. and when i don't, i'm charming enough to weasel my way out of any substantive conversation. plus, as we've discussed, i dress fucking well. not just well, fucking well. oh, and i have super cute handwriting.

now if that self-description doesn't say "personality," then what does?! huh!?

i could be like paris hilton. except not in jail. and much better dressed. or, no. not paris hilton. i could be like caroline besset kennedy. except not dead. or... what's the name of that princess of monaco? yes. this is exactly what i need. i'm just too bitchy to marry rich and actual gainful employment is just to mundane for my sort of existence. so, either princess or personality it is. ok, yeah, i hate princesses, too. let's go with personality.

good talk.

i appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have with regard to my employment search, as i know you are one of the most respected professionals in this field. i will send a hard copy of this letter to your office today, and i will call next week to follow up.

thank you for your consideration.

loanna beek

guide to breaking up

The Loanna Beek Guide To Breaking Up

so i wrote this last year. and the friend to whom i sent it has encouraged me to share. oh what the hell. i think it's funny. read on.

dear friend,

alright now listen to me. there are a few different ways to deal with problems in life and love and i happen to be an expert at a few of them.

1. cheat: as we know, this is only a temporary fix, except when used as a serious weapon. see below.

2. run away: the problem with this one is that it involves some level of planning which may not be particular talent of yours. however, i am even worse at planning than you are, and i have pulled of the cross country relocation with a little recipe: 2 cups emotional avoidance, 1 stick of denial, and just a dash or two of complete disregard for logic and/or consequence. (see minnesota, 2003). relocation is nice because despite what they say, your problems don't really follow you! you merely develop a whole new set of problems which are, albeit, partially a result of running away from your old ones. but they're NEW problems, aren't they? maybe you can deal with them better than the old ones? who knows?!

3. start dating someone else. the destructive/unhealthy relationship swap:
in many cases, the reason you are leaving a man is because he is, as martha wainwright would say, a bloody motherfucking asshole. he has used and abused you. he has lied to you. he has degraded you. and now as you attempt to seize those last shreds of self-respect, what does he do? he fucking clings to you. so there's no way out. even if you had the balls to leave (which you usually do not), he will muster the charm of a thousand, um, men who charm, such that you hardly recognize him, let alone yourself. and then what? he reminds you of your faults. he conjures exaggerated memories of your poor behavior, and he will generally convince you that, well, he's not so bad after all. it's a vicious fucking cycle and in my experience, girl, it only ends when he gets tired of you, reduces you to nothingness, and dumps you for long enough that meet some other bloody motherfucking asshole before he comes back. because, dude, he always comes back. (see, [name omitted, name omitted, almost every man I have ever dated, 1997-2006).

so i say, why wait? why prolong the inevitable? he's an asshole. he does not deserve any respect for his feelings and, as we discussed, it's not like you could break up with him even if you wanted to. at least not until you've moved on. so find another! do so now, and later you will have the confidence to leave the BMA** because you have another new and improved version sitting at home. start going to DNC events.** sleep with random coworkers. tell your friends that you are on the market. remember: distraction avoidance denial. repeat after me: distraction avoidance denial. distraction avoidance denial. c'mon. you can do it: distraction avoidance denial.

**BMA: short for bloodymotherfuckingasshole. pissed off? go listen to that song. it'll make your day.
**if you don't know what the DNC is then we've got some work to do, my friend. start by going here.

the dude who wants and will get you to like him

i'm supposed to be sleeping. or writing. or... well, writing. a paper.

however, i was just struck with a revelation which i may be able to articulate i less than 10 minutes/3 paragraphs, whichever is shorter. since it usually takes me about 9 years to write, reviews, and obsessively reread a posting, i feel this easily-written revelation demands some face time. right now.

shit. i'm already at 3 paragraphs.

anyway, so i was recently discussing with a close friend the phenomenon of The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him. the gyst: she has a crush on a dude at work. he is taken. my first suspicion? he is That Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him.

oh you know who I'm talking about. That Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him has met all of you-- every single last one. Whether you're dating him, or just eye fucking him from across your office, or even letting him trace his arm against yours when you pass in a hallway, every girl has met The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him.

Additional observations: The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him satisfies his innate manly seek and destroy drive by making chicks who are not his girlfriend like him, only to then act completely innocent and slightly stupid when said chicks respond to the Want And Will Get You To Like Him Initiative.

The Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him talks about his girlfriend all of the time. he'll do it even as he's gazing into your eyes after picking up your lunch tab in a small group of coworkers. he'll do it 30 seconds after complimenting some random, indistinct detail of your appearance and/or apparel. hell, he'll even outright compare you to her. whatever the time or place, The the Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him talks about his girlfriend all of the time. he does this for two reasons: 1. he doesn't trust himself and figures that by letting the entire world know he has a girlfriend, the entire world will somehow prevent him from cheating, 2. he wants to make himself seem more attractive/unattainable. ie he wants to fuck with you.

this dude rarely if ever actually technically strays from the mother ship, but he spends a lot of time making sure all of the other ships want and covet him. it's a validation thing for him. well, and not just that. it's also a game for him. it keeps him busy, sharpens his unneeded skills when he's feeling bored or dissatisfied with the wife at home.

ok i'm out of time. the moral of the story is this: The the Dude Who Wants And Will Get You To Like Him is an incredible prick. i've dated him and i've coveted him, and in both sets of shoes, i've always hated him.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


ok, this is the second of many posts to come. i'll reiterate:

i've been meaning to write this forever. i don't fancy myself knowledgeable in many areas, but i have lived in four major cities, been at the top and the bottom of the price chain, and am generally a picky, demanding, and extremely selective consumer. when it comes to my hair, my jeans, my suiting, and... oh fuck when it comes to just about anything pertaining to my appearance-- i settle for nothing but the best. and i do it on a budget.

so before i start, i would like to establish a couple of things.

1. i am too lazy and disorganized to get any sort of promotion or funding for this blog. thus, unlike allure magazine, or sephora, none of this info is influenced in any way by anything other than a girl's experience and opinion.

2. i hereby challenge other bloggers to publish their own 'lists.' as we all know, the greatest of cosmetic, skin care, and fashion advice is gained by word of mouth. so c'mon bloggers. join the fun.

3. this list is incomplete. again, unlike sephora or allure, i don't have promotional funding. plus, it's all opinion. so if i don't have a product i love in any given category, well, that category is blank. appreciate my candor.

4. let's be friends. no, seriously. even if you're not a blogger, and instead just a consumeraire, i would very much like to see your list, or even just a few of your favorites. and i'm happy to blog it for you as well. drop me a note @ loannabeek (at) gmail (dot) com


everyone loves to be comfortable. and everyone likes to think she's contributing for a prettier, sounder, cleaner earth. i'm sure i would have bought 4 pairs of these pants even if the company weren't the retailing equivalent of annie's organic foods, but i must say it's nice to feel like my superficial consumerist addiction is supporting a good cause. these patns are the best cause ever. they run in three lengths. they are some kind of fun stretchy material which is thick enough to hide cellulite and thin enough to be cool in the summer, warm in the winter. and the fit (pause for emphasis) is AMAZING. slightly wide leg with a bit of a flare, fitted waist, and, oh, i can hardly describe them. just go and try the fuckers on. you won't be disappointed. they are worth every damn penny you spend on them. i promise.


i've been meaning to write this forever. i don't fancy myself knowledgeable in many areas, but i have lived in four major cities, been at the top and the bottom of the price chain, and am generally a picky, demanding, and extremely selective consumer. when it comes to my hair, my legs, and... oh fuck when it comes to just about anything pertaining to my appearance-- i settle for nothing but the best. and i do it on a budget.

so before i start, i would like to establish a couple of things.

1. i am too lazy and disorganized to get any sort of promotion or funding for this blog. thus, unlike allure magazine, or sephora, none of this info is influenced in any way by anything other than a girl's experience and opinion.

2. i hereby challenge other bloggers to publish their own 'lists.' as we all know, the greatest of cosmetic, skin care, and fashion advice is gained by word of mouth. so c'mon bloggers. join the fun.

3. this list is incomplete. again, unlike sephora or allure, i don't have promotional funding. plus, it's all opinion. so if i don't have a product i love in any given category, well, that category is blank. appreciate my candor.

4. let's be friends. no, seriously. even if you're not a blogger, and instead just a consumeraire, i would very much like to see your list, or even just a few of your favorites. and i'm happy to blog it for you as well. drop me a note @ loannabeek (at) gmail (dot) com

today i am starting with hair. clothing should be up in the next few days.
let me start by saying that my hair is my signature. for as long as i can remember, i have been tall, broad-shouldered, assertive, slightly outspoken, and, as my seriously evil ex-boyfriend once told me-- mannish. Prick. can someone else agree with me that he was The Greatest Dick Ever? yes, well anyway. plus i have muscular arms which would be cute and sexy if i were angelina jolie but on me they just look, well, more mannish. ANYWAY, i compensate for this manliness by employing a number of traits which are just about as Stereotypically Feminine as it gets. like my hair.

these two have been a pair for as long as minnea has been a polis. they started at 1649 or whatever that snooty salon was called on lake street. they floundered from there to here to there again, and as of right now, they are at the Wave salon on hennepin and 35th. now i've seen a lot of stylists in my day, including some which were Kind Of A Big Deal. when i was with elite, i worked with john barnes, ginger kahn, and other Big Names Which Impress People. however, the best of the best hands down-- are JoJo and Steven. go find them. It's worth the money. i promise.

i spend on average about $50/month on shampoo, conditioner, etc etc. yes i know. children starving in africa. but please understand. it's my hair. it's my HAIR. so anyway, any blonde can appreciate that the best conditioner ever is not washing for a week. yes again. i know. gross. but it works. and this furterer stuff may actually be the greatest invention of all time. my sister, who has longer, thicker, more color treated hair, and is lucky enough to have me sending her products from time to time, also endorses this product. she did mention that the primary ingredients (butane, propane, isobutane, lots of other 'anes' which sound dangerous) could be cause for concern if the user likes to spray her hair in small spaces, or around the presence of small children. but what the hell. no product is perfect. this one is close.

again with the friend long hair issues. most girls have some sort of "anti-frizz" or "gloss," or "flattening serum," etc etc. this girl is humble enough to refer to all of them as grease, cause we all know that's what they are. chi silk infusion is the greatest grease ever. plus it smells awesome. go and get it. it rocks.

Friday, August 31, 2007


does anyone know who the hell rachel bilson is? yes, i've seen pictures... ok i've only seen two pictures and they're both of a small, obnoxiously cute brunette (wearing MY HOODIE). i mean she sort of looks familiar. is she the latest drug addicted teen star who is currently holed up in rehab at age 14 and a half? see, now i'm getting mean. i should really just stick to the facts. ready?

1. i discovered mike & chris. if you don't know who mike & chris are, then please allow ME, the INVENTOR or maybe more accurately the DISCOVERER to explain it to you. since it was ME and NOT RACHEL BUTTHEADSEN who discovered them.

2. do your remember girlshop? it was a website, way back when, which was poorly organized and overly peppy and displayed entirely too much pink and warhol inspired stick figures. however, it was a pretty cool. as i remember, it was a sort of design collective. and whomever was in charge would go out, find cool new designers, and sell a limited number of pieces. sort of like a boutique online with too many media-inspired references to the sort of jargon girls are expected, but never really do use. (much like the lulu sample sale each month, in case you're wondering. who the hell calls them "shoesies? are we twelve? and on crack? no. they're shoes, you dumbasses but anyway)

3. well anyway. there came a cold miserable day in minneapolis, shortly into the second semester of my first year of law school. in law school, the beginning of the second semester of the first year is when the delusion sets in. the first semester is over. you've been broken, humiliated, disheartened and are generally the most pathetic and miserable person on the face of the earth... besides maybe the dude sitting next to you who can't tell the difference between "you're" and "your" and everyone knows it because he sent out a mass email last week displaying his nauseating ignorance to his classmates. how the hell did that dude get IN to the U but i'm getting off point here. you are miserable. any inkling of happiness is delegated to random, superficial and entirely morally unsatisfying activities which may, for a few seconds, get your mind off of constitutional law. in this case, my desire for comfort, and unyielding dedication to remaining fashionable despite my educational pursuits left me envisioning a sleek, simple, tailored and slightly embellished hoodie. so i began my search, right there in constitutional law, for the sleek hoodie. i began with girlshop, typed in "hoodie" and up came a sort of caramelly brown, tailored thick jersey zip up hoodie with large marc jacobs buttons, a wide waistband, and general greatness. my spring semester loans had just been disbursed to me, and so i clicked to buy regardless of the fact that the sleek little hoodie was $172. no luck. sold out.

4. now here comes my true mark of genius. i actually emailed the owners or website people from girlshop as well as mike & chris themselves, to ask when more of their merchandise might become available. do you know what year this was?! 1999. ok i'm lying. i think it was 2004. but STILL. rachel bileson was still in the mickey mouse club in 2004. and where was i, faithful readers? WHERE WAS I? i was in pursuit of mike and chris.

anyway long story longer, mike and chris never got back to me but whomever read my email assumed i was a retail owner and put me on the "list" which means i get the brochure dealy of all new season lines before rachel bilson gets them, and also means that i am ridiculously unbelievably cool and an deserving of all credit for DISCOVERING mike and chris.

ok i'm done. i'm coming back later today to write about how i am a bad, bad friend.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Judi Rosen: Black Balled

as some of you may remember, I posted some jeans recommendations last month in my post entitled Go and Buy These Jeans. Now.

my final "recommendation" was actually a warning not buy a pair of jeans I have been coveting for some time now-- the elephant bell by Judi Rosen.

well i changed my mind. have at it. i just found the jeans online (finally) and was horrified to realize that they come in sizes small-medium-large. ok maybe there's an extra small or extra large but this does not lessen the blow of the realization that Judi Rosen has abandoned us as women. i'm sorry but seriously. what the hell is she thinking?! denim is probably one of the most challenging pursuits in the history of women's shopping. there are all sorts of rules (don't go shopping when premenstrual, in a bad mood, etc). think of the catch phrases (blue jean baby, forever in blue jeans, nothing comes between me and my calvins, etc). or denim's role in weight gain or loss ('if my jeans are tight...'). or what about that episode when miranda finally loses the baby weight and realizes that she fits back into her 'skinny jeans?'

let's face it, denim is not only important, it's a RATHER delicate situation for many women. so don't we deserve, at the very least, sizes 2-14?! these days, sizes are popping up everywhere from 00 to 22. and why? because we're all different! we can't be classified into 7 sizes any more. we're unique. and we know that! JUDI ROSEN, ARE YOU HEARING US ROAR?!

but it's not just that. i guess i'm just becoming increasingly fed up with designers who charge an arm and a leg (oh god, now i sounds like my mother) for a good which is not superior. to be frank:if you're going to charge $350 for (some albeit incredible) jeans, don't you OWE IT TO US TO MAKE MORE THAN 3 SIZES?!

so anyway, i call bullshit. judi rosen is no longer cool and in my book and you know how i like to hold a grudge...

judi rosen: black balled.

Sunday, July 29, 2007


about 5 years ago, i was at the filene's basement on north michigan avenue with my college best friend, and i found myself stuck. no, i was not trying to decide between purchases, i was actually and physically trapped inside a gianfranco ferre couture gown made of a stiff polyester seafoam weave complete with wire straps which defied gravity in a way that would make tara reid jealous.

what had begun with a fun little "let's just see how it looks on, i have a model body, right-- it might be cool" shopping experiment then found me, feet-cemented-to-the floor-arms-locked-as-though-i-were-about-to-be-secured-to-a-spinal-injury-
backboard as my best friend anchored herself against the wall and yanked that seagreen polyester from my half naked torso until her body literally torpedoed backwards and she landed, shirtless on the dressing room floor, bewildered and completely breathless.

there are a thousand reasons i miss tricia, but our shopping extravaganzas are a big one. you see, tricia and i have the same shopping style. if you like to shop then you surely know that not every girl has a shopping style, technique, if you will. and shopping with a girlfriend isn't just an easy, run-of-the-mill activity. girls have to make sure they mesh, have similar browsing patterns, before they make a commitment like shopping together. sort of like marriage compatibility... except... not.

anyway, now that tricia is all grown up and responsible and living in denver with a fucking fantastic job and apartment and life, i have no one with whom to share my seafoam polyester gown shopping trips. but it's not just polyester seafoam i'm talking about. it's my fashion superiority in general. for example, did you know that there are basically two times of year in which to find the best sales on designer and boutique pieces? i bet you didn't. well there are. late july, and early january.

i have no official source to support this theory. however, i do submit the following:

  1. rich caramel-colored buttery calfskin pants from michael kors collection (that's COLLECTION, not 'kors by' or his other inferior lines). retail $800. i paid: $73.
  2. strapless jersey corset dress by prada (say it again with my now "COLLECTION," not 'prada sport' or those other sheep lines). retail $600. i paid: $49.
  3. mandalay grecian dress. yes, THE mandalay dress. retail $1025. i paid $65.

are you convinced? good. now. i'm almost getting to a point here so stick with me and you won't be sorry. occasionally, during these biannual shopping trips, i find a piece so fantastically wonderfully cute that i would pay full price for it. however, this proverbial piece is not full price and in fact it's not even "on sale." it's... ready? on clearance.

today, ladies, i have found that piece. it's 80% off and made by a truly classy designer. not only that, but this designer has a cult following. seriously. nanette's followers rarely let anything she makes go on sale, let alone clearance. it's a fantastic little strapless bustier top from Nanette Lepore. all of these factors make me look at this top, wistfully, and think... SOMEONE needs to buy it. i feel like it's a little baby bird, alone and cold in the wind and someone needs to come and snatch it up. YOU are that person, reader. YOU need to grab the bustier. GET THE BUSTIER, reader, RESCUE THE BUSTIER!

because of the javascript, i cannot insert the link directly here. so do this: go here: then go to the bottom of the page and click on the little brown tab which says "what's on sale." after you click on the sale tab, the first page which comes up has a nanette lepore bustier corset top in the bottom lefthand corner.

you owe me your first born.

ps ok you don't have to give me your offspring but if you buy it, you do need to come back and tell me after you receive it. at least then i'll sleep at night knowing that someone rescued the baby bird.

Monday, June 25, 2007

REI: You Suck and I'm Going to Tell Everyone

here was a time, many months ago, when my fried KP and I encountered what we then believed to be The Worst Retail Salesperson Ever.

After several hours of pillaging through racks of dresses at Neiman Marcus, KP found a Cynthia Vincent black strapless dress which was suitable for wear to a dance we had agreed to attend with one of my numerous gay exboyfriends + his black toothed friend. We carried the garment to the counter for purchase and were quickly informed that "we accept American Express, Diner's Club, and Neiman Marcus cards."

Given my horribly bad credit, I gave up then and there. KP, the pillar of good credit and responsibility, was not to be deterred. 15 minutes later, she stared indignantly at an attractive Italian salesman who quietly informed her that she had been rejected. I secretly believe KP failed to meet the "snobby bitch" requirement for obtaining Neiman's line of credit, but recognize it's also likely that no matter how good KP's credit could be, she was also a law student with 80K+ in loans.

At the time, it didn't matter. All I knew was that KP found her dream dress, she deserved her dream dress, and if she didn't get her dream dress, somebody was gonna hear about it from me. I marched myself to customer service where I lied earnestly through clenched teeth, informing the short pudgy Neiman representative that he and his store had lost a lifetime of business from a soon-to-be Successful Wealthy Well-Dressed Attorney (I was referring to myself-- which is why this claim was a big fat lie. Not only do I have no intentions of boycotting Neiman Marcus, it's also highly unlikely that I ever be a Successful Wealthy anything).

He turned his little pig nose up in my face, cross his chubby little arms across his chest and recited "this is the direction our company wishes to take." Fire brims in my soul to this day.

So until yesterday, Neiman Marcus had earned, in my book, the Worst Retail Salesperson Ever award, narrowly defeating only the salesman at Marshall Fields who once suggested to me that I check the men's section for shoes. Bastard.

Anyway, yesterday my boyfriend and I drove on a congested highway away from urban civilization in pursuit of the highly acclaimed REI store. A self-admitted prissy girl, I had never set foot inside any sort of mountain-y earth-people store and did so yesterday only because my boyfriend and I made a deal. I go camping next week-- he votes democratic in the next election. We need mountain-y earth people gear to go camping, so it seemed only appropriate that we visit a mountain-y earth people store to purchase said gear.

Despite my unyielding reluctance to dip my perfectly pedicured toes into the cold unwelcoming lake of mountain-y earth people clothing, I did attend REI yesterday with some anticipation. My childhood best friend Synthia is a mountain-y earth woman, and her wardrobe is extremely cool and urban chic. From her sleek black north face fleece to her cosmopolitan 'i' am a earth woman, i just happen to also look cool' smith aviator glasses,' Synthia epitomizes the earth-friendly fashion, In fact, Synthia is and has always been the best dressed girl on the face of the earth-- in my eyes, and the idea of drinking from the same well as she was appealing. She had always spoken of REI as if it were like an organic Barney's, where every overpriced piece was made by well paid americans out of synthetic fabric. As you know, I do not believe in polyester, but I was willing to check it out nonetheless.

...fuck. see, i spent all this time building up and now i'm out of study break minutes. which means you are all (ahem, all 2 of you) going to have to wait a day till i finish my REI bashing story. In the meantime, stay away from that cold tacky building lest you purchase an item without directions, without a price tag and without a single fucking human employed by REI who can tell you what it's supposed to do.

Friday, June 8, 2007

I have breasts!

Someone who's important and knows more than I once called the drugstore speech in the 1996 movie Beautiful Girls "the best ten minutes of Rosie O'Donnell's career."

While it is perhaps in the greatest all time quotes ever, I tend to disagree, but we already know that I'm a flaming feminist liberal so let's move on. A portion of the quote goes something like this:

"Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't fuck around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers."

It's as much human as it is female, and although I can't really ponder the male equivalent, I'm sure they covet one another's... well I'm sure the grass is always greener for boys, too. It's simple, really: Skinny girls wish for boobs. Chubby girls wish for size 4 jeans. Anyone who has both large breasts and size 4 jeans is either a freak of nature, or not the product of nature.

I have an odd frame for a tall girl. At some point in my delayed pubescence, bumps developed where they were previously unrealized in the Beek family. My tall skinny mother looked to my tall skinny sister who shrugged her shoulders as if the milkman could be responsible.

Soon thereafter, I rejoiced in my newfound cleavage and entered the inevitable 'get-fat' period of my froesman year-- also known as the "freshman fifteen." Actually... sadly... I've heard that the phrase used to be the "freshman ten," which in my college days matured to the fifteen, and now I've heard they call is the "freshman twenty." Tragic, those cafeteria cheese quesadillas-- they are tragic.

I puffed up like a top-heavy, chubby giraffe, finding my (speaking of tragic...) black stretchy express pants even too tight, and spilling out of a D cup. When I returned home for the summer, my dad got me a gym membership, my mom told me to get rid of the ortho, and I slimmed down once again. Since then I've suffered my ups and downs, but never gotten close to the whopping 160 pounds I reached during that first year of college. Today I'm sort of a frail creature which I credit to living alone, as well as a number of other factors the details of which I'll spare you. In short, I'm around 130 now, which is not much on a 6 ft frame. And it's true, what they say. The boobs are always the first to go.

Thus, I have seen both sides of the mountain. And while I haven't decided which side is greener, I will in fact discover the cure for the skinny small boobed syndrome. And it's going to start like this: Today is my first skinny boob syndrome post, and I'll share with you a secret which I am of course reluctant to do because you might go and buy it and I don't like it when other people steal my ideas.

In exchange for allowing you to copy me, you will email me with further skinny boob syndrome ideas. Yes? Good. Ok, let's get started.

Ladies, let me introduce you to Bordeaux Seamless. It's stretchy, comfy, seamless, made of some kind of super fun material that doesn't trigger intense sweating, and best of all-- it's like buying breasts and a shirt at the same time. Take for example this top:

No, that's not me and yes, she's probably got a cup size or two on me. HOWEVER, I almost sort of look like this in my new bordeaux seamless shirt! I swear to god! In fact, I am looking down at my deflated little poopsies right now and thinking my god, they look huge.

And here's the best part: it's not just that shirt! In fact, I bought the shirt to your left based solely on my experience with my first bordeaux seamless top which I picked up another bordeaux seamless top at a sample sale last year-- and my first bordeaux top was strapless. You don't have to have SBS to know that tube tops aren't exactly the best way to perk up a flat chest. If bordeaux can do it with a tube top, my friend, bordeaux can do it for you, too.

oh PS. since i'm using their picture, i do feel obligated to give you this link if you want to buy it. However, the biggest selection I could find is at Tee Zone, or some other stupid name like that.

ok that's it for today. i can't figure out where i got this picture but here's another of their tops. some of them are yoga inspired but others are dressier and would be appropriate for going out. like this one:

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Go And Buy These Jeans. Now.

as many of you know, i am the world's foremost authority on great jeans. as you may not know, i do not actually own all of the jeans that i want. like the peasants of the world, i, too, lust over great jeans which i cannot afford. true, i also own 42 pairs of designer jeans i cannot afford-- but that's all the more reason not to buy ensuing pairs of jeans i cannot afford.

enough talk. remember how i was the first to proclaim to the world that high-waisted, wide leg jeans are the best, most flattering, coolest jeans ever? yes of course you do. well, as i predicted, the masses are catching on. before long, even express will be carrying them. [shudder].

thus, it's up to you to be the first to sport them. now i have carefully compiled a list of jeans you must go and buy. now. here they are:

let's start with something a little more bland. even the sheep can love these:
these are anlo jeans, i got this picture from (which is an amazing online boutique, by the way, you should check it out). the rise on these jeans is only 10", so they're a little more mainstream, but exceptionally flattering nonetheless. next,

yes, for those of you who knew and loved her-- katayone adeli is back after a 5 year hiatus. i've loved her since i bought a pair of skinny jeans at a barney's outlet (yes, i own a pair of skinny jeans, but they're not heinous like the ones on the market today). my only issue with adeli was that her inseams used to be relatively short (about 33"). but these jeans have a 35" inseam. again, got the picture from shopbop. my understanding is that barney's also carries katayone adeli. her new line is called k.a.7.

alright, now it's time for the greatest jeans i've ever seen. you are not advised to buy these jeans because if you do, i will paste your picture on my blog and accuse you of copying me. here they are:
oh my god, i think i just had an orgasm. tell me those aren't the greatest jeans known to man. i will have them. must. have. these. jeans.

ok that's all for today.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

20 People Have Viewed My Blog!

20 people have viewed my blog!

now i don't want to get arrogant or rub it in, here, but i think you should know that 20 people have viewed my blog! not only that, but i have a new and improved column which includes but is not limited to a poll, links to other blogs, a counter dealy!

now i think we can all agree that it's a good thing the counter dealy excludes neither visits by myself nor my mother, because my count would then be substantially lower. but that's beside the point. the whopping 4 people who are not me or my mom who have visited this blog should now humor me by voting (psst! the poll is over there! >>>>>>>>) and visiting my hot boyfriend's blog (which is never updated and still proclaims him as a "bachelor") and my hot boyfriend's best friend's blog which includes pictures of my best friend. because, yes, my hot boyfriend's best friend is dating my best friend. [pause while you contemplate the overwhelming cuteness of this phenomenon]

in addition to the pictures of my best friend, my hot boyfriend's best friend's blog is actually pretty fucking cool. in fact, i used to visit it frequently so that i could steal all of his music selections and later play them off as my own so that my boyfriend believed me to be cool. i know, it's terrible to lie. but somehow my discussions of high waisted jeans failed to interest him in the early months. i can't imagine why.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

ding, dong, the witch is dead.

Jerry Falwell on the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001:
"And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen."

and here are a few more choice portions of the article released by the AP:

"In 1987, Falwell took over the PTL (Praise the Lord) ministry in South Carolina after the Rev. Jim Bakker got caught in a sex and money scandal."**

"In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive. Falwell later apologized for the remark but not for holding the belief."**

"A month later, his National Liberty Journal warned parents that Tinky Winky, the children's TV character, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children.... one of his publications suggested that the purse-carrying "Teletubbies" character Tinky Winky was gay."**


In a statement, President Bush said he and First Lady Laura Bush were "deeply saddened" by the loss of a man who "cherished faith, family and freedom."**

"One of his lasting contributions was the establishment of Liberty University, where he taught young people to remain true to their convictions and rely upon God's word throughout each stage of their lives," Bush said.**

** These are all taken from the AP article (author Sue Lindsey), which can be found here
This charted comparison is also very interesting.

Reasons Why My My Friend KP Rocks The Casbah

My friend, KP, is the narrator of this story (sent via email). It is testament to how god damned funny, cool, smart, and beautiful my friends are. KP rocks the casbah:

So i had jury duty today. I brought along some depositions to read and mark up. Some guy came and sat next to me. i'd say upper 20's.

After a while he asked: Are you a court reporter?
me: no [and went back to working]
5 min later, him: oh, are you an attorney?
me: yeah
him: i was wondering who besides me would be reading a deposition…what kind of law do you practice?
me: labor and employment
him: i do med mal.
[back to silence and me working, but now bothered. one minute later.]
me: so you are an attorney?
him: yes
me: and your first impression of my reading a deposition is that i'm a court reporter. even though you are an attorney? is it because i'm a woman?
him: no, uhh, i just didnt expect there to be a lot of attorneys here. i apologize.
me: oh don't worry, i'm used to it. men presume i must be a paralegal
or court reporter. it's the nature of the men in our profession.
him: i'm sorry [awkward]

Monday, May 14, 2007

Dear Jessica Simpson: I'm Flattered But Really, Stop Copying Me

dear jessica simpson,

we've discussed this before. last time i kindly asked you to please stop hiding in my closet, or hacking into my computer and checking my 'wish list' bookmarks. this time, it appears evident to me that i'm going to need to be a little more assertive about this. i'm sorry. i don't want to be nasty, but it needs to be said:

you're a short round dwarf and you simply cannot pull off the sort of clothing i wear. sure you look cute when painted up in chanel, airbrushed beyond recognition, and hoisted up to 5'2 and a half in those hooker shoes. but the reality is, the clothing i wear is *made* for people who have, in fact, hit puberty.

take for example this tragic photo of you, waddling through the streets of LA:

do you think we haven't noticed the fact that you've hemmed those jeans? of course we have! it looks ridiculous. grey ant jeans come with a 37" inseam, which is roughly the height of your entire body! moreover, the leg is carefully shaped to create a long, lean pant leg. nothing about you is long and lean, my friend. clearly, these jeans weren't made for you. YOU'RE RUINING THE BEAUTY OF THE LINE.

you want to know what they're *supposed* to look like? here:
but you already know what they're supposed to look like, because you saw me wearing them, like, TWO YEARS BEFORE YOU, and then you copied me.

the chloe dress was my pet and you stole it before. however, it was just a dress. but my high waisted jeans!? they're my pride and joy. and now you're stolen them, too.

this is going to get ugly if you don't get a hold of yourself.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Dear Barneys, Neiman, Saks: Get Over Yourselves

presentation is everything. presentation applies to every aspect of consumerism, from those damn mitsubishi commercials to the fact that christy turlington looks hot in drug store foundation to, yes, of course, upscale designer clothing and shoes. i'm not talking about nine west, here, girls. i'm talking wearing a month's rent on your feet.

now, what does that scary alien-like creature say to you? does it say "sexy, sassy, flattering, and kate moss?"

no. it doesn't. to me that scary alien-like creature says "i will eat your children while you are sleeping." am i right? yes of course.

kate moss' introduction of her line for topshop must have been one of the most anticipated fashion events of all time. kate moss, perhaps the most classic of supermodel, has exemplified everything we want our supermodels to be-- even as she gets old:
1. immature, 2. drug induced, and 3. still hot at 45. cause, secretly and deep down, we want models to remain models and not become normal people like us. models are freaks of nature. we don't want to be reminded that they're human.

anyway, kate moss is a big deal and her line was a big deal. but here we are looking at kate moss draped across a scary alien-like figure which is telling us "i will eat your children while you are sleeping."

i expect better out of barneys new york, he and i are old friends (yes, i have assigned him a gender and a singular identity). from the second i first set foot in the barneys at the corner of oak street and rush off of north michigan avenue, i wanted to love him. to me, everything about barneys seemed consistent with what is fashionable. and that blue thing up there, my friend, is not fashionable. it's just cheap. not to mention scary.

so what the hell is up with upscale dept stores skimping on the presentation? do we love them that much that they can show us one god damned picture of a thirteen hundred dollar bag:

i mean, are you serious? that's ridonkulous. i'm all for luxury, and especially classic, stylish, timeless, durable and well made luxury-- but has neiman gotten so special that they can sell a bag without even showing you the rear side of it?

alright, my right eye has been twitching for nine and a half days now and i think i should probably handle this continuous and crippling fatigue by actually getting something done so that i might eventually sleep. novel concept. ciao.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Runway Report: I Was 100% Right. I Rock

well, well, well. i was right. allow me to explain. above, please see the chloe high waisted jean. just one of many mom butt pant styles shown on the runway in the last 2 years. yes, while the rest of you were yanking at your belt loops to keep your ass from spilling out on to your chair, i was hiking mine up to my nipples.

if you happen to catch my post "i wear mom butt jeans and you can kiss my ass," then you know how i feel about the high waist. i don't care what you say-- it's flattering. it's feminine. finally, it's just a teensy bit weird, which as far as i'm concerned, makes it cool.
let's start here, shall we?

yes, the original charlie's angels-- perhaps some of the sexiest power women in history. and look at those waist lines!

now as i mentioned, i wear mom butt jeans and you can kiss my ass. grey krakjcki introduced a pair of lovely mom butt-ers a couple of years ago and while it took me a season or two to catch on, i did discover them (like every other great jean) like, two years before you did. and now, surprise, surprise, the high waist is all over the runways like celebrities on horse tranquilizers.

here's another pair i've been obsessed with for some time. i WILL own these jeans, even if it means i don't eat tomorrow. oh, who are we kidding... it's not like 'm gonna eat tomorrow anyway.

so there you have it. if you're already convinced and seeking a reasonably priced option, other premium denim designers are beginning to catch on. this is gold sign's version:

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Gisele Bündchen: Also Copying Me

i have wanted these jeans last year when i saw them on (which has great sales, and awesome designers the sheep haven't found yet, and, best of all, are based in chicago which is the greatest city on earth. you should keep an eye on, oh loyal readers. or reader. or 2 friends of mine who drop in occasionally just so i don't feel like a dumbass).

they satisfy all of my requirements for good denim:

1. they wide waist band is slightly higher in rise and will not expose my pubic bone (have we discussed this? i am so over low rise

2. they have large back pockets to minimize my inordinately large ass.

3. they are relatively unknown, which means the sheep haven't caught on yet.

and 4. they run exceptionally long.

anyway, as for the style, yes, they are skinny. but they're not tapered. see? there's a difference. for example, in the picture below of, um, gisele, as in *the* gisele bündchen, karolina kurkova and adriana lima, you will note that one supermodel looks slight less fabulous than the other supermodels. why, you ask? well that's a very good question. you see-- even supermodels can't pull off skinny jeans. ok, ok, yes they pretty much always look freakishly attractive, but on a relative basis, skinny jeans make karolina kurkova look like a carrot. with two carrot legs. it's sad. tragic. god damned skinny jeans.

anyway, my point is not that skinny jeans are the worst social phenomenon since the young republicans. my point is that saddlelite jeans rock the casbah. they capture the narrow, straight legged, dark toned goodness of what the skinny jeans are TRYING to mimic. and they do it while maintaining a flattering silhouette.

now i just want you all to know that these jeans were my idea. while i don't mind sharing them with gisele (who, unlike jessica simpson, does not resemble a badly dressed sorority girl from 1999), i do deem it necessary to announce that i am, in fact, the original lover of these jeans.

ok, the picture is below. shopjake carries them, and if you want to meander through a truly useless and overly-alternative fashion website, you can visit

see. look. carrot legs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Dear Jessica Simpson: Stop Copying Me.

ok, let's review the rules of being petite and, um, shapely.
1. show your waist. if you don't, we can't be sure you have one.

well i guess that's only one rule. but i'm sure there are tons of others with which i am unfamiliar because i am nine feet tall.

regardless, i'm pissed off because i've wanted this dress FOREVER and that little twit not only stole my idea, but went out in PUBLIC to show everyone, who then also fell in love with my dress, and now the masses have caught on and are out there, seeking MY dress.

and ps what is jessica doing in designer fashion, anyway. should she be traipsing the streets in pink terry cloth or wooden platform slides from a little place i like to call 1997? chloe would be horrified if she knew her work had been defamed in this way.

anyway, if you're wondering what the dress is *supposed* to look like, here:

[pause to briefly appreciate the dress in its unadultered form]

ok, that's all. if you see jessica, tell her to stop copying me. bitch.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Zac Posen Recruits Refugees to Model His Spring Line

Skinny Jeans: Please. Make It Stop

ok now i don't want to be nasty, but can we please all agree that the reappearance of skinny jeans are perhaps the most tragic event of 2006? please? PLEASE.

for your own good, i would like to discuss the basics of flattering clothing. let's start with your hips.

hips: womanly, sexy, curvy, and rah rah. sexy.
hips accentuated by too-tight denim with a low rise revealing your ass crack: not sexy.
legs: sexy
legs poured into black faded denim which is so tapered that you lose feeling in your ankles after 15 minutes: not sexy.
hourglass silhouette: sexy
triangle silhouette (yes, darling, your hips are the base): not sexy.

ok, ok, if that doesn't do it for you, let's use some photos:

Monday, January 8, 2007

See By Chloe: Blue Light Special

See By Chloe: i believe the the craze of designer turned discount started with isaac mizrahi and target (which my friend renee affectionately calls "tar-jey," and you should too). Or maybe I'm giving the designer himself too much credit and really should be praising the likes of forever 21. you know what i'm talking about, right? i'm talking about the low-quality fabric, the poorly drawn lines, the fake-leather shoes, but yes, genuine and authentic designer pieces sold at bargain bin prices. and as we know, everyone from paul&joe to proenza schouler is now riding that train.

chloe chose a slightly more traditional route, similar to ralph lauren. she just introduced a cheaper line. see by chloe is actually not "cheap," per se, as her denim usually retails around $200. compared to the $575 of the label chloe, however, it's relatively cheap.

it also sucks. and here's why: it costs money to make and sell high quality fashion. designer clothing fits well for a reason-- that being that a lot of time and effort goes into making certain that it's well made, durable, timeless and flattering. sewing the name "chloe" on a pair of jeans does not make them awesome... phoebe philo and paulo andersson make the jeans awesome.

Chip and Pepper: Another Reason Why I Rock

i discovered these in miami at barney's coop 4 years ago. the original sorority girl jean was one of the few styles (like, EVER) which pulled off the super low waist. cute, but haven't been impressed with the fabric's ability to hold up. within days of yanking at the right belt loop (yes, you do it, too, even if you don't know it. 90% chance your right thigh is wider than your left, which means the right side of your ass is more likely to hang out in low rise jeans, which means you're pulling it up without even realizing it) a hole appeared. i had it repaired, and it tore again. CARDINAL RULE OF DENIM: DURABILITY. summary: the rise is really low so i recommend chip and pepper to girls who have long, lean, athletic frames. i don't think they do well with curves. inseam usually around 33 inches, although the original sorority girl had a 36" inseam.

Grey Ant: I Wear Mom Butt Jeans And You Can Kiss My Ass

so sometimes i like to stray a bit from the world of my favorite words (let's say it together now. c'mon. you can do it. "timeless, classic, versatile." go on. say it. good. nice job).

i do so only when i find a piece so outrageously flattering and cool that it justifies its weirdness. such is the case with grey ant, which are so fucking awesome that they warrant my use of the word "fucking."

i saw them for the first time on they're difficult to miss as they have a 13, yes, 13 inch rise. they practically reach my nipples. ok that's not true. however, they do reach my belly button and they are in every sense of the expression-- mom butt jeans.

but here's the thing: somewhere in the grand scheme of skinny jeans, overpriced terry cloth, and the heinous heeled rubber flip flops from sigerson morrison, we lost the truly important aspect of fashion-- to look good. and let me tell you, when dark navy fabric corsets my waist, narrows my mammoth ass, and gives me a slender silhouette for 38 inches of inseam, i am comfortable breaking out the mom butts.

more importantly, find me one girl who has the, um, balls, to sport a high waisted jean. you can't. the only one so far is scarlet johanssen and yes i'll post a picture when i find them. now you. grab your, um, balls and go try them on. go on. do it.

Fidelity Denim: You Make Me Want To Be A Better Woman

Fidelity: ok i'm going to be frank. i'm a snob. i call myself a collector but when it comes down to it, i want my jeans to have been expensive. like, offensive they're so expensive. so naturally i was half-excited and half-disappointed when i found these which are the second most flattering jeans ever in the history of the world. however, it's worth the trip. fidelity denim is based in canada where the designers are big fat snobs and don't like selling to american boutiques. so they're extremely hard to find in the states. they come in three lengths (32, 34, 36) and several different washes. they do have some lycra but the quality of the cotton and the weave is such that they remain FAR more versatile than their rock & republic counterparts (see, rock & republic: i cry for you argentina, previous post). the rise is a little higher, the detailing is classic and timeless. these are the slightly younger trendier version of chloe. except sort of cheap. go and buy them. you will love them. i swear.

Habitual: Another Reason Why I Am Superior To You

Habitual: used to be only available in smaller boutiques and barney's NY, but i believe bloomingdales is now carrying them as well. i bought my first pair at a barney's outlet in napa valley california and they have since demonstrated to me that they satisfy on of my denim maxims-- they are timeless. in 2002, my slightly distressed low-waisted wide flare trouser jeans earned more compliments than any other pair of jeans i own. today, these jeans are still slightly unique, flattering and generally adorable. the colors are PERFECT for what should be your favorite *pair* because they are slightly distressed but generally the sort of classic blue which compliments any top. habituals are mostly 100% cotton which means there will be a break in period before they mold accordingly to your body. it's worth it. trust me. inseam 35"

I Discovered Marc Jacobs

i realized i'm mildly deluded but i still take credit for discovering marc back in my junior year of college when i got a pair of tuxedo jeans off of bluefly for like $60. i own three pair now, and i cherish them like they're family heirlooms. i'm not a huge fan of jacobs' entire apparel line, but every pair of jeans and/or pants have left me supremely happy. haven't seen these on shorter frames but again, i'd guess they're for the skinny and tall (although they do minimize my hefty lower half) inseam 35"

Chloe: Better Than Sex

CHLOE UPDATE: i got them. yes, i recently lost my chloe virginity and let me tell you, it was every bit as amazing as i'd hoped. i have the trouser style which are closer to a 5-pocket than i had expected. they are 100% highly durable cotton in a true blue which remains timeless and versatile. the hem on most of chloe styles is 3 inches, which is really flattering and again, adds a slightly unique edge to the classic denim. inseam 35-36"

ANOTHER UPDATE! the price of chloe jeans has decreased slightly, such that you will only have to sell your first born instead of your entire family. i have last season's version of the style shown below. if you want them (ie if you are cool), yoox and net-a-porter both carry chloe. here is a link to yoox:

Chloe Jeans


Rock & Republic: I Cry For You Argentina

rock & republic: r&r goes first because they illustrate the cardinal rules of denim. my experience is limited to the roth style, which, like all great denim, i discovered and purchased, like, 2 years before you did.

to explain, i'll number:

1. UNIQUITY: let’s face it, uniquity is not a word. however, you know what i mean. you also know that coolness is dependent somewhat on uniqueness, which is apparently a word but not as fun to write as “uniquity.” my point is: every girl has a moment during which she lashes out and faces the completely inverse principles of those she learned in the 7th grade. if everyone else is doing it, it’s just not as cool. such is my problem with rock & republic. even two years before you had them, i was reluctant to buy rock & republic because they're available at bloomingdales-- which automatically made me suspicious that the masses would catch on and eventually steal my favorite jean. cost, brand/designer, and style aside-- your favorite jean simply loses clout when your roommate turns up with the same pair.

2. DURABILITY rock & republic fabric content is usually 98% cotton and 2% lycra. i can appreciate the fit with lycra. more flattering, jeans with lycra don't require a break-in period & can accommodate for even the most heinous pre-menstrual syndrome. however, the cotton/lycra blend cannot & will not last forever. your favorite jeans should have assured themselves a space in your closet from now till the end of time. even if they become dormant for a couple of years-- a truly great jean should be durable enough to last through the fads so that when they come back in style (and your favorite jeans always, always will), they're still in tact.

my rock & republic roths will forever live in infamy because not long after i had my first r&r orgasm, my roths fells apart. i marched them back to bloomingdales where i exchanged them for a pair that fell apart about a month later. it was tragic i tell you. cryable. i cry for you argentina.

3. VERSATILITY. here’s the thing: i am the first girl in line to fork over half month’s rent and/or my soul for a great pair of jeans. however, i do so with the deep inner conviction that i am making a wardrobe investment, which cannot happen unless the jeans are relatively classic and understated. rock & republic, in all of their victoria beckham glory, cannot seem to kick the whisker phase. let me tell you something: “whiskers” are the new shoulder pads. this little fadish detail was cute for five minutes. however, great jeans are not cute for five minutes. and any unusual detail should be one which may at some point become a classic detail (like, for example, marc jacobs large round buttons. slightly trendy, yes, but they were made popular by twiggy in the early 60s. now they're back. whiskers? no, dude, that will never come back.)

4. HOTNESS: i will now assert that my rock & republic roths were hands down the most flattering jeans i've ever worn. listen to me. are you listening? rock & republic are the most flattering jeans ever in the history of the world. of all the jeans maxims, fit is the most important so hear me now: even though they’re flimsy pieces of shit, i would buy them again and again if i could find that same roth style. but i cannot.

ok, i’m done. i swear to god the other jean bible books are not nearly this long. i just needed you to understand the tragedy of rock and republic which plagues my soul. oh wait, i almost forgot—the information you may actually use:

r&r is very nice for the super tall (inseam is usually between 34-36), but i have a friend who's 5'7 and they look f-ing unbelievable on her, too. the nice thing about these is that the rise is not ridiculously low so one's ass does not hang out when sitting, etc. i’m not sure words can describe how awesome these jeans look and feel, so go out and try some on. but not after you read my fidelity denim post—cause if you like r&r, you should come ride the fidelity train. gia.

Oops, Jeans Bible Preface

before proceeding to the jeans bible, please consider the following:

1. I ROCK: before i begin we have to establish my jeans superiority over you. no offense, i'm sure you have many great qualities. in fact, you might be quite stylish and have a great wardrobe. however, i swear on my chloe trouser jeans that you do not have more knowledge of denim than i do. i own them all. and if i don't, it's because i tried them on nine or ten thousand times and eventually decided that they weren't cool enough for me. either than or they were too short, in which case i will forever boycott the designer because he shunned me from the beginning. bastard.

2. I HAD THOSE JEANS LIKE TWO YEARS BEFORE YOU DID. no, seriously. i did. in fact, i probably had them before you were born. gia.

3. I AM FREAKISH. i am very tall and very thin which is made complicated by the fact that i have a big ass. no, seriously. i'm a beanpole with a huge bum. i do not patronize brands that don't run at least 35" long and will forever boycott any designer who does not initially make jeans long enough for me. true religion? yes i know they now have extra long sizing. they didn't in the beginning. i hold that against mr. religion. he and his over-embellished teeny bopper front pockets can kiss my big ass.

The Original Jeans Bible, Book of Genesis

so i’m starting with the jeans bible, which has been evolving for about 4 years now, ever since i decided to infect my friends with my designer jeans addiction by sending regular updates and reviews via email. the bible begins with this post and will vomit onto many of the succeeding posts, differentiated by designer/brand and/or classification of rambling. appreciate if you will the fact that i’ve placed each brand/designer in a different heading/post so as to justify the fact that i can write more on designer denim than i can on international criminal law… which is what i’m supposed to be doing right now.

i feel credited to speak with authority on jeans to write the bible (as though i were a jeans moses), because i collect them. i adopted the 'collector' label because i have a truly higher appreciation for the art of the blue jean. ok, that’s not completely factual. yes, i own 42 pairs of designer jeans. however, i can sleep at night thinking i have an appreciation for wearable art, rather than admitting the truth, which is that i am the epitome of a jeans whore.

i have other justifications. for one, my addiction is at the very least logical... sort of. my reasoning is-- if i'm going to spend money on something, why not jeans? jeans are comfortable wearable classic and understated. they get more use than 95% of the rest of my wardrobe. in the grand scheme of things, better to spend money on something i'll wear (and wear and wear) than on a shirt that goes out of style next season.
finally, and most importantly, i am superficial enough to believe that a great pair of flattering jeans can actually be the fashion equivalent to prozac. there is nothing more beautifully graceful and stylish than a white tee-shirt, driving loafers, and pucci scarf belt woven through thick belt loops of your best denim. you know it's true. and if you don't, you just haven't found your *pair* yet.

ok, so click on. please note that i add to the jeans bible regularly and would love comments, suggestions, and other reviews. whatever you do, please don't remind me that i am a conspicuous consumer and that there are children dying in africa. i know.