Sunday, May 20, 2007

Go And Buy These Jeans. Now.

as many of you know, i am the world's foremost authority on great jeans. as you may not know, i do not actually own all of the jeans that i want. like the peasants of the world, i, too, lust over great jeans which i cannot afford. true, i also own 42 pairs of designer jeans i cannot afford-- but that's all the more reason not to buy ensuing pairs of jeans i cannot afford.

enough talk. remember how i was the first to proclaim to the world that high-waisted, wide leg jeans are the best, most flattering, coolest jeans ever? yes of course you do. well, as i predicted, the masses are catching on. before long, even express will be carrying them. [shudder].

thus, it's up to you to be the first to sport them. now i have carefully compiled a list of jeans you must go and buy. now. here they are:

let's start with something a little more bland. even the sheep can love these:
these are anlo jeans, i got this picture from (which is an amazing online boutique, by the way, you should check it out). the rise on these jeans is only 10", so they're a little more mainstream, but exceptionally flattering nonetheless. next,

yes, for those of you who knew and loved her-- katayone adeli is back after a 5 year hiatus. i've loved her since i bought a pair of skinny jeans at a barney's outlet (yes, i own a pair of skinny jeans, but they're not heinous like the ones on the market today). my only issue with adeli was that her inseams used to be relatively short (about 33"). but these jeans have a 35" inseam. again, got the picture from shopbop. my understanding is that barney's also carries katayone adeli. her new line is called k.a.7.

alright, now it's time for the greatest jeans i've ever seen. you are not advised to buy these jeans because if you do, i will paste your picture on my blog and accuse you of copying me. here they are:
oh my god, i think i just had an orgasm. tell me those aren't the greatest jeans known to man. i will have them. must. have. these. jeans.

ok that's all for today.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

20 People Have Viewed My Blog!

20 people have viewed my blog!

now i don't want to get arrogant or rub it in, here, but i think you should know that 20 people have viewed my blog! not only that, but i have a new and improved column which includes but is not limited to a poll, links to other blogs, a counter dealy!

now i think we can all agree that it's a good thing the counter dealy excludes neither visits by myself nor my mother, because my count would then be substantially lower. but that's beside the point. the whopping 4 people who are not me or my mom who have visited this blog should now humor me by voting (psst! the poll is over there! >>>>>>>>) and visiting my hot boyfriend's blog (which is never updated and still proclaims him as a "bachelor") and my hot boyfriend's best friend's blog which includes pictures of my best friend. because, yes, my hot boyfriend's best friend is dating my best friend. [pause while you contemplate the overwhelming cuteness of this phenomenon]

in addition to the pictures of my best friend, my hot boyfriend's best friend's blog is actually pretty fucking cool. in fact, i used to visit it frequently so that i could steal all of his music selections and later play them off as my own so that my boyfriend believed me to be cool. i know, it's terrible to lie. but somehow my discussions of high waisted jeans failed to interest him in the early months. i can't imagine why.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

ding, dong, the witch is dead.

Jerry Falwell on the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001:
"And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen."

and here are a few more choice portions of the article released by the AP:

"In 1987, Falwell took over the PTL (Praise the Lord) ministry in South Carolina after the Rev. Jim Bakker got caught in a sex and money scandal."**

"In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive. Falwell later apologized for the remark but not for holding the belief."**

"A month later, his National Liberty Journal warned parents that Tinky Winky, the children's TV character, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children.... one of his publications suggested that the purse-carrying "Teletubbies" character Tinky Winky was gay."**


In a statement, President Bush said he and First Lady Laura Bush were "deeply saddened" by the loss of a man who "cherished faith, family and freedom."**

"One of his lasting contributions was the establishment of Liberty University, where he taught young people to remain true to their convictions and rely upon God's word throughout each stage of their lives," Bush said.**

** These are all taken from the AP article (author Sue Lindsey), which can be found here
This charted comparison is also very interesting.

Reasons Why My My Friend KP Rocks The Casbah

My friend, KP, is the narrator of this story (sent via email). It is testament to how god damned funny, cool, smart, and beautiful my friends are. KP rocks the casbah:

So i had jury duty today. I brought along some depositions to read and mark up. Some guy came and sat next to me. i'd say upper 20's.

After a while he asked: Are you a court reporter?
me: no [and went back to working]
5 min later, him: oh, are you an attorney?
me: yeah
him: i was wondering who besides me would be reading a deposition…what kind of law do you practice?
me: labor and employment
him: i do med mal.
[back to silence and me working, but now bothered. one minute later.]
me: so you are an attorney?
him: yes
me: and your first impression of my reading a deposition is that i'm a court reporter. even though you are an attorney? is it because i'm a woman?
him: no, uhh, i just didnt expect there to be a lot of attorneys here. i apologize.
me: oh don't worry, i'm used to it. men presume i must be a paralegal
or court reporter. it's the nature of the men in our profession.
him: i'm sorry [awkward]

Monday, May 14, 2007

Dear Jessica Simpson: I'm Flattered But Really, Stop Copying Me

dear jessica simpson,

we've discussed this before. last time i kindly asked you to please stop hiding in my closet, or hacking into my computer and checking my 'wish list' bookmarks. this time, it appears evident to me that i'm going to need to be a little more assertive about this. i'm sorry. i don't want to be nasty, but it needs to be said:

you're a short round dwarf and you simply cannot pull off the sort of clothing i wear. sure you look cute when painted up in chanel, airbrushed beyond recognition, and hoisted up to 5'2 and a half in those hooker shoes. but the reality is, the clothing i wear is *made* for people who have, in fact, hit puberty.

take for example this tragic photo of you, waddling through the streets of LA:

do you think we haven't noticed the fact that you've hemmed those jeans? of course we have! it looks ridiculous. grey ant jeans come with a 37" inseam, which is roughly the height of your entire body! moreover, the leg is carefully shaped to create a long, lean pant leg. nothing about you is long and lean, my friend. clearly, these jeans weren't made for you. YOU'RE RUINING THE BEAUTY OF THE LINE.

you want to know what they're *supposed* to look like? here:
but you already know what they're supposed to look like, because you saw me wearing them, like, TWO YEARS BEFORE YOU, and then you copied me.

the chloe dress was my pet and you stole it before. however, it was just a dress. but my high waisted jeans!? they're my pride and joy. and now you're stolen them, too.

this is going to get ugly if you don't get a hold of yourself.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Dear Barneys, Neiman, Saks: Get Over Yourselves

presentation is everything. presentation applies to every aspect of consumerism, from those damn mitsubishi commercials to the fact that christy turlington looks hot in drug store foundation to, yes, of course, upscale designer clothing and shoes. i'm not talking about nine west, here, girls. i'm talking wearing a month's rent on your feet.

now, what does that scary alien-like creature say to you? does it say "sexy, sassy, flattering, and kate moss?"

no. it doesn't. to me that scary alien-like creature says "i will eat your children while you are sleeping." am i right? yes of course.

kate moss' introduction of her line for topshop must have been one of the most anticipated fashion events of all time. kate moss, perhaps the most classic of supermodel, has exemplified everything we want our supermodels to be-- even as she gets old:
1. immature, 2. drug induced, and 3. still hot at 45. cause, secretly and deep down, we want models to remain models and not become normal people like us. models are freaks of nature. we don't want to be reminded that they're human.

anyway, kate moss is a big deal and her line was a big deal. but here we are looking at kate moss draped across a scary alien-like figure which is telling us "i will eat your children while you are sleeping."

i expect better out of barneys new york, he and i are old friends (yes, i have assigned him a gender and a singular identity). from the second i first set foot in the barneys at the corner of oak street and rush off of north michigan avenue, i wanted to love him. to me, everything about barneys seemed consistent with what is fashionable. and that blue thing up there, my friend, is not fashionable. it's just cheap. not to mention scary.

so what the hell is up with upscale dept stores skimping on the presentation? do we love them that much that they can show us one god damned picture of a thirteen hundred dollar bag:

i mean, are you serious? that's ridonkulous. i'm all for luxury, and especially classic, stylish, timeless, durable and well made luxury-- but has neiman gotten so special that they can sell a bag without even showing you the rear side of it?

alright, my right eye has been twitching for nine and a half days now and i think i should probably handle this continuous and crippling fatigue by actually getting something done so that i might eventually sleep. novel concept. ciao.