Friday, June 8, 2007

I have breasts!

Someone who's important and knows more than I once called the drugstore speech in the 1996 movie Beautiful Girls "the best ten minutes of Rosie O'Donnell's career."

While it is perhaps in the greatest all time quotes ever, I tend to disagree, but we already know that I'm a flaming feminist liberal so let's move on. A portion of the quote goes something like this:

"Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't fuck around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers."

It's as much human as it is female, and although I can't really ponder the male equivalent, I'm sure they covet one another's... well I'm sure the grass is always greener for boys, too. It's simple, really: Skinny girls wish for boobs. Chubby girls wish for size 4 jeans. Anyone who has both large breasts and size 4 jeans is either a freak of nature, or not the product of nature.

I have an odd frame for a tall girl. At some point in my delayed pubescence, bumps developed where they were previously unrealized in the Beek family. My tall skinny mother looked to my tall skinny sister who shrugged her shoulders as if the milkman could be responsible.

Soon thereafter, I rejoiced in my newfound cleavage and entered the inevitable 'get-fat' period of my froesman year-- also known as the "freshman fifteen." Actually... sadly... I've heard that the phrase used to be the "freshman ten," which in my college days matured to the fifteen, and now I've heard they call is the "freshman twenty." Tragic, those cafeteria cheese quesadillas-- they are tragic.

I puffed up like a top-heavy, chubby giraffe, finding my (speaking of tragic...) black stretchy express pants even too tight, and spilling out of a D cup. When I returned home for the summer, my dad got me a gym membership, my mom told me to get rid of the ortho, and I slimmed down once again. Since then I've suffered my ups and downs, but never gotten close to the whopping 160 pounds I reached during that first year of college. Today I'm sort of a frail creature which I credit to living alone, as well as a number of other factors the details of which I'll spare you. In short, I'm around 130 now, which is not much on a 6 ft frame. And it's true, what they say. The boobs are always the first to go.

Thus, I have seen both sides of the mountain. And while I haven't decided which side is greener, I will in fact discover the cure for the skinny small boobed syndrome. And it's going to start like this: Today is my first skinny boob syndrome post, and I'll share with you a secret which I am of course reluctant to do because you might go and buy it and I don't like it when other people steal my ideas.

In exchange for allowing you to copy me, you will email me with further skinny boob syndrome ideas. Yes? Good. Ok, let's get started.

Ladies, let me introduce you to Bordeaux Seamless. It's stretchy, comfy, seamless, made of some kind of super fun material that doesn't trigger intense sweating, and best of all-- it's like buying breasts and a shirt at the same time. Take for example this top:

No, that's not me and yes, she's probably got a cup size or two on me. HOWEVER, I almost sort of look like this in my new bordeaux seamless shirt! I swear to god! In fact, I am looking down at my deflated little poopsies right now and thinking my god, they look huge.

And here's the best part: it's not just that shirt! In fact, I bought the shirt to your left based solely on my experience with my first bordeaux seamless top which I picked up another bordeaux seamless top at a sample sale last year-- and my first bordeaux top was strapless. You don't have to have SBS to know that tube tops aren't exactly the best way to perk up a flat chest. If bordeaux can do it with a tube top, my friend, bordeaux can do it for you, too.

oh PS. since i'm using their picture, i do feel obligated to give you this link if you want to buy it. However, the biggest selection I could find is at Tee Zone, or some other stupid name like that.

ok that's it for today. i can't figure out where i got this picture but here's another of their tops. some of them are yoga inspired but others are dressier and would be appropriate for going out. like this one:


Anonymous said...

Haha- funny post. Got to say I couldn't be more pleased with my largish A/smallish B-cup self though. I think it's important to note that the late 90's early 00's love affair with outlandish bosoms seems to be waning quickly. And up until this (bizarre) period of time, smaller breasts were idealized and sexualized- not the other way around. I have never longed for the sweater puppies, though I have longed for things like slimmer arms, more muscular calves, and a longer torso. Not too often though. Mostly I'm pleased as hell that my body is fit and healthy and gets me my share of second glances. The shirt though? Damn cute.

Anonymous said...

What happened to all the truth bombs you used to drop?

/Roky E

Anonymous said...

Was checking out ebay today & came upon your site which, in turn, let me know of your site/blogs. Must say I really enjoyed reading them. Anyway, "I have breasts" was most helpful -- I've always had 36dds, but(ok I've gotten older) they've sort of took your advise & ordered one of those tops you recommended. Oh, and re: your being so kind to share this info even though you hate to share your wonderful ideas, if I do come across any other "hints" that are figure flattering I will share...thanx!!! (you're a good read) karen