guide to breaking up

The Loanna Beek Guide To Breaking Up

so i wrote this last year. and the friend to whom i sent it has encouraged me to share. oh what the hell. i think it's funny. read on.

dear friend,

alright now listen to me. there are a few different ways to deal with problems in life and love and i happen to be an expert at a few of them.

1. cheat: as we know, this is only a temporary fix, except when used as a serious weapon. see below.

2. run away: the problem with this one is that it involves some level of planning which may not be particular talent of yours. however, i am even worse at planning than you are, and i have pulled of the cross country relocation with a little recipe: 2 cups emotional avoidance, 1 stick of denial, and just a dash or two of complete disregard for logic and/or consequence. (see minnesota, 2003). relocation is nice because despite what they say, your problems don't really follow you! you merely develop a whole new set of problems which are, albeit, partially a result of running away from your old ones. but they're NEW problems, aren't they? maybe you can deal with them better than the old ones? who knows?!

3. start dating someone else. the destructive/unhealthy relationship swap:
in many cases, the reason you are leaving a man is because he is, as martha wainwright would say, a bloody motherfucking asshole. he has used and abused you. he has lied to you. he has degraded you. and now as you attempt to seize those last shreds of self-respect, what does he do? he fucking clings to you. so there's no way out. even if you had the balls to leave (which you usually do not), he will muster the charm of a thousand, um, men who charm, such that you hardly recognize him, let alone yourself. and then what? he reminds you of your faults. he conjures exaggerated memories of your poor behavior, and he will generally convince you that, well, he's not so bad after all. it's a vicious fucking cycle and in my experience, girl, it only ends when he gets tired of you, reduces you to nothingness, and dumps you for long enough that meet some other bloody motherfucking asshole before he comes back. because, dude, he always comes back. (see, [name omitted, name omitted, almost every man I have ever dated, 1997-2006).

so i say, why wait? why prolong the inevitable? he's an asshole. he does not deserve any respect for his feelings and, as we discussed, it's not like you could break up with him even if you wanted to. at least not until you've moved on. so find another! do so now, and later you will have the confidence to leave the BMA** because you have another new and improved version sitting at home. start going to DNC events.** sleep with random coworkers. tell your friends that you are on the market. remember: distraction avoidance denial. repeat after me: distraction avoidance denial. distraction avoidance denial. c'mon. you can do it: distraction avoidance denial.

**BMA: short for bloodymotherfuckingasshole. pissed off? go listen to that song. it'll make your day.
**if you don't know what the DNC is then we've got some work to do, my friend. start by going here.