Monday, January 8, 2007

Oops, Jeans Bible Preface

before proceeding to the jeans bible, please consider the following:

1. I ROCK: before i begin we have to establish my jeans superiority over you. no offense, i'm sure you have many great qualities. in fact, you might be quite stylish and have a great wardrobe. however, i swear on my chloe trouser jeans that you do not have more knowledge of denim than i do. i own them all. and if i don't, it's because i tried them on nine or ten thousand times and eventually decided that they weren't cool enough for me. either than or they were too short, in which case i will forever boycott the designer because he shunned me from the beginning. bastard.

2. I HAD THOSE JEANS LIKE TWO YEARS BEFORE YOU DID. no, seriously. i did. in fact, i probably had them before you were born. gia.

3. I AM FREAKISH. i am very tall and very thin which is made complicated by the fact that i have a big ass. no, seriously. i'm a beanpole with a huge bum. i do not patronize brands that don't run at least 35" long and will forever boycott any designer who does not initially make jeans long enough for me. true religion? yes i know they now have extra long sizing. they didn't in the beginning. i hold that against mr. religion. he and his over-embellished teeny bopper front pockets can kiss my big ass.

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